I stare at a picture of me and P from when we first started dating and ask myself, “What happened?” I really can’t explain it. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t even know the girl who is smiling back at her. This girl is young and very beautiful. There’s no sadness in her eyes. If you stare into them, you won’t see pain. You won’t see fear. Life hasn’t gotten to her yet. It hasn’t brought her down. She’s still innocent. She still has much to learn.
The girl staring back at me in the mirror right now is foreign too. She is so hurt. Her face is constricted in agonizing pain. She can’t figure out how to get over this. She can’t figure out how to get these thoughts out of her mind. All she wants is to forget and not feel anything for a while. Numb herself completely so she doesn’t have to experience this horror anymore. She curls into a ball and rocks back and forth. Maybe if she holds herself tight enough she won’t be afraid. Her arms are safety. They won’t hurt her. They’re the only thing she’s got left.
I’ve seen her face many times before. I know what she wants and needs, but I don’t know how to help her. I want to transform her back into what she used to be: young, innocent, beautiful, unhurt. But I can’t. This realization only makes her pain worse. She’s begging to be saved. Someone, anyone needs to save her from this. She needs someone to hold her hand so she can pick up the broken pieces of her heart. She’s trying to do it by herself, but the loneliness consumes her. It drags her deeper into the dark and she loses more of herself. She sits down and wants to give up. It feels as though her soul is rupturing. Will anyone shine a light into this desolate place?