I’ve been writing a lot more about the effects of an abusive relationship, because slowly I am beginning to realize them. At first, I was just feeling a tornado of emotions. I could experience everything I wrote about in “A Window Into The Mind Of An Abuse Survivor” at one moment. All of that is very hard to understand. It’s even harder to begin to dissect it and realize why it is happening. There is no way I have fully grasped everything that is going on in my head. I’ve only begun to make a small dent in it. It’s helping though. Knowing why I feel they way I do always gives me hope. Once you know the problem, you can find a solution.
I was being pretty melodramatic the other night about G. I did, however, honestly think I had messed things up beyond repair with him. I was really upset because of that Saturday. Originally, I had planned to just wait and see if I would ever hear from him again. I called my mom to tell her what happened and to ask her advice. She said I would be better just to contact him and tell him how I felt. I asked A and S if I should do it and they both said yes. So finally, after about an hour of agonizing, I sent him a text saying, “I want you to know that I really like you. I understand what happened last night and I’m not upset. I just need to know how you feel about me.” He responded within minutes saying, “I really like you too. I was just entirely out of the loop last night and pretty exhausted.” That made me feel a whole lot better. I think the situation has been mended. I still have yet to see him again so we’ll see. But we have had a few conversations since I sent that text. So I’m hoping it is okay.
I have to keep remembering how much better my life is. Writing “A Letter To Me, One Year Ago” really helped with that. I may be writing a few more of those to myself at different times. I found it very therapeutic. When I think about how much I’ve built from nothing it makes me very happy. There was no one else involved in it. All of my life is entirely me. I haven’t been able to say that for a very long time. It really is beautiful to have this much freedom. I am so very grateful every single day. Since I left P, I have been afforded so many amazing opportunities. Things I never could have had while I was with him. It’s truly wonderful. And the thing I have to remember is that no matter what happens with G I am still going to have all that. I am never going to let anyone take my life away from me again. I will never let anyone control what goes on again. I will fight with everything I have to protect this. This is special. This is me. And I have so much to look forward to.