Broken Absolutely, A Let Down


*If you’re going to read this I kindly request that you also read the next post “A Window Into The Mind Of An Abuse Survivor”. It helps this make a lot more sense.*

It all got bad as soon as they walked in with flowers. Both Bryan and Cameron had picked daffodils for S and A. I thought it was adorable, but I couldn’t help but get that “forever alone” feeling. I watched them both embrace and kiss their significant others. I couldn’t help but wonder why I wasn’t experiencing the same thing.

Of course, later in the night I got the answer to that question. Cameron could tell I was upset the entire time we were in our room. Eventually he texted G. I’m not really sure what he said. But G texted me saying, “Don’t be sad, I wasn’t told this was going on.” I told him it was okay and asked if I would see him at the paint party later. He said no because he didn’t have any clothes. Then Cameron took my phone and told him to borrow some. After a while, Bryan also got fed up and started texting G too. He refused to come. He wouldn’t come. I wasn’t good enough…

We didn’t even end up going to the party. We ran into some people we knew on the way there and apparently they were ending it early. Once I found that out I just broke. My knees collapsed, tears began to pour and I put my hands in my face. I couldn’t take it. I could not handle being rejected. I’m just not strong enough. All I could feel was P winning. P laughing at me and saying, “I knew you weren’t good enough.”

I know I may be completely irrational. I know G may just be tired from his interview. But I really don’t fucking care. It’s just not enough. It’s not. Tonight broke me again. I feel like something shattered me, as if someone threw a bowling bowl at my stomach. Me, Bryan and Cameron all tried and nothing worked. Clearly, I’m not worth enough and that’s the last thing I need to feel right now. After P, I need to be someone’s number one priority. Not a second guess or a thought in the back of the mind. I need complete security or I really can’t handle it. I’ve realized that from this. P screwed me up so fucking much. I don’t have one ounce of trust. At this point, it’s going to take someone truly spectacular to earn my trust. Apparently that is not G. And I tried. I tried so hard to trust him. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt and thinking positive thoughts. I just feel so let down right now. I feel like all of those chances were for nothing. I feel like no one deserves them. Every man out there is just going to hurt me. I need to shut them out, to protect myself. To keep myself safe and not have to worry. Right now I think I’m just better off alone.

S, A, Bryan and Cameron all watched my break down tonight. It was embarrassing, but I really couldn’t control it. Everything I was trying to hold back just exploded outwards like a volcano. Cameron was really good to me. My opinion of him has completely changed. He tried so hard for me tonight and he didn’t have to. He comforted me and he tried to get G to realize what he was doing. I really appreciated the effort he put in. I’m pretty sure he’s a good person. He really tried to fix the hurt I was going through. A and S were also there for me in ways I’ve never experienced. That’s one good thing I can say about tonight. I know that I have people to support me in times of need. I just wish I wasn’t going through this. I’m really not ready. I can’t handle it. The hurt is too much. I was not ready to date someone new.

I have to keep remembering how many good things I have going for me. Every other aspect of my life is going so well. I cannot let this mess it up. Yeah, it hurts like shit. Yeah, it’s going to mess me up more. And yeah, it’s going to be twice as long before I let someone new in. It’s okay though. I can make it through anything. A and S both said it tonight, I’m the strongest person they know. I need to be that again. I don’t need a boy. I just need myself. Just Sam. Sam and only Sam. She’s the one that matters.

A says G doesn’t realize what he did tonight. She says if he knew how much I was breaking, how much I was bawling and how much I was hurting he would fix it in a heartbeat. I’m not sure if she’s right. Right now I feel as though it is all over. This was just a blip in my life that I will forget about soon. I tried. I can definitely say that. I gave it a shot and it didn’t work out. Yeah, it hurts like fuck now, but I’ve been through worse. Much worse. I’ll get over this quickly. And then I will be okay. I’ll go back to being happy in a few days. My mind will hide all of this pain. I know it is definitely capable of that. It will make this all go away. I just have to give it time. I’ll be as good as new soon.

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