I was inspired by a recent follower of mine (stellamarr) to write a letter to myself. I’m going to write it to me exactly one year ago.
I’m here to tell you it’s not going to get better. P is never going to treat you the way you desire. No matter what you do you will never be able to live up to his expectations. You’re going to cook a delicious meal tonight. You’ll place it in front of him and he won’t turn away from his computer screen. If you prompt him, he might say thank you. Tonight, you’ll get in bed and he’ll touch you. You’ll be repulsed, but unable to pull yourself away. You’re still trying to will the feelings of love that once were. As he slides in and out of you, you’ll feel absolutely nothing. Except emptiness. You’ve been feeling that a lot lately.
How do I know all this? Because I am you. A different you, someone you can’t even imagine existing. Your entire life is going to change. Part of it will be forced upon you, and part of it you will take upon yourself. Life with P is going to rapidly degrade. You aren’t ready for it, and right now you can’t imagine how bad it’s going to get. You are still holding out hope that you will be happier in the summer, without the stress of school. School isn’t what’s causing you’re stress though. School isn’t what’s making you depressed and why you’ve been forced to increase the dosage on your medication. It’s him. He’s going to switch from smoking pot to drinking. And you are going to experience hell.
I’m sorry to have to write this. I know everything that’s going to happen and I ache for you. You remember those drunken rages. They’re going to come back with a vengeance. P has never really forgiven you for D. He’s punishing you in every way that he can. He’s going to make you pay for what you did. He’s going to have you on your knees crying and begging for forgiveness. Before long you’ll be praying to a God you never acknowledged before. Praying that he will make it all better. Praying that he will help you. He won’t answer. And that’s exactly the help you need.
The worst part about writing this is knowing what you’re going to experience. I relive different aspects of it almost every single day. You’re going to be in denial. He’s going to make you blame yourself. If you were better, he wouldn’t have to yell at you. If you could be what he needed, he wouldn’t have to throw things at you and call you names. If you tried harder, you would be perfection in bed. This is going to make you hate yourself. I want you to know that I don’t hate you. I feel sad when I think about you, but I do not hate you. I know how strong you can be and how strong you will be. The time just hasn’t come yet. You haven’t experienced what you need to be ready.
There’s going to be a night in July that will change your entire life. You’ll forget about it though. You’re brain has been conditioned to hide experiences like that away in places where they will never be found. However, this beast is too big to confine to a cage. It will break free, three months later. I want you to accept it. When you do remember, accept it. It happened. It will forever be a part of your life. When you realize this, you will break. But you need to remember something. What you build back up will be better then you were before. The new you that will be created from the scattered pieces is beautiful. She has courage, bravery and determination. She will heal from this and be better then she ever was before. Just remember that.
Finally, I want to give you something to look forward to. Happiness. Happiness like you haven’t experience since you were ten years old. You’re life is going to be so good one year from now. You’re going to meet a guy who is going to show you how a woman should be treated. You’re going to join the synchronized swimming team and potentially become its president. You’re going to become an EMT and learn how to save lives. You’ll be accepted into a National Honor Society for outstanding seniors. This will all happen. I promise. You just have to persevere. You’re in the middle of a nightmare right now, but you will wake up. The sun will rise, brilliant and orange, and you will see a brand new day.
Stay strong. I love you,