My mind feels like a broken record. Same fears, worries and insecurities replaying over and over in my head. Maybe I’m not ready for this. The question then comes when will I be ready? And should I ditch someone that could be great for me just because of that? I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. My mind could come up with a million excuses for why I shouldn’t get involved with someone. The real reason is just fear though. Simple as that. Even D said it, I’m holding myself back because of the past. I want to keep seeing G. I’m just so worried that as soon as I allow myself to become attached he’ll leave. Sure it may be irrational, but every experience in my life has taught me not to trust men. That as soon as you trust them they turn into monsters. I’ve visited that dark world. I don’t want to go back.
You all seemed to enjoy the poem I wrote last night. I’m thinking I may start writing more. It seems to be a good outlet for experiences I had with P. I can’t really write about some of them in graphic detail. It’s too painful. Not to mention, I don’t think any of you want to read that. Dark, twisted writing just isn’t my style. The poems will probably be a bit dark though. I can’t really help it though. If I want to embody the experience in words, that’s the way it has to be. I feel like I try to keep those memories too locked away and hidden. It’s a coping and survival mechanism for sure. It isn’t a healthy one though. The flashbacks and dreams probably wouldn’t attack my mind so vividly if I didn’t do that. When that happens, apparently you can see it in my eyes. I go to another place and I get trapped. I really can’t get them to stop. It’s like I’m being assaulted. It happened with G once, when I first told him about P. I remember hearing a voice outside my head saying, “Come on bring it back. It’s okay.” He pulled me close and I snapped out of it. G is the second person, other then D, that has been able to realize that is going on. I was surprised, because at that point he knew next to nothing about my past.
Maybe that’s another reason I’m afraid of G. He is extremely intuitive. Reading people seems to be a gift for him. He’s figuring me out very quickly, much quicker then I’m figuring him out. That scares me, because that’s what happened with P. He used it against me, to manipulate me. I don’t think G would do that. Like I said I can’t imagine a mean bone in his body. However, I can’t help but worry. It makes me very vulnerable. He can see right through me. Although at the same time, that could also be a good thing. I’m not going to be able to wall myself off and hide from him. He’ll know very quickly if I try to do that. Ugh, I’m just going to have to be patient and wait to see what will happen with this…
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