Of course Baltimore was perfect. I had so much fun. D and I really just enjoyed being together. Of course, now I’m racked with pain. I knew this was and bad idea. Now I’ve figured out why. It’s not the same pain as the last time. It comes from an entirely different place. I have to make a choice, a hard one. And I really don’t want to…

I’m about 90% sure D is in love with me. I could fall in love with him too. I know I could, easily. I don’t let myself though. Why? Because neither of us is ever going to take the risks it would take to make it work. We’ve both been hurt. We both don’t want the stress of a long distance relationship or the age difference. I just know it’s going to be a very long time before D would ever consider trying with me. I’m not going to wait for that. I just can’t put myself through that for him. Especially when I have G. G who does want me. Who does want to try even though he knows it won’t be easy with him graduating.

So here comes the pain, the pain of knowing what could be but never will. The pain of knowing that if I ever want something real with G, D can’t be in my life. D would never try and sabotage me and G on purpose, but I know he doesn’t like it. He said he was happy I found somebody this weekend. However, I couldn’t ignore the sadness in his voice and the pain in his eyes when he said it. He doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. He’s selfish in that way.

And so I’ve come to a crossroads in life. D has been walking next to me. He’s going to keep walking in one direction. I could go with him. I could keep walking with him, my companion, my friend. Or I can take the other road. The road with G. The road with potential, but a lot more unknowns. There are bumps, potholes, ditches, ups and down. It may end in pain and it may end in happiness. There’s no way of knowing. It would be a risk to take this road. I would have to go it alone. I can’t bring D with me. I’d have to leave him behind. But how can I abandon my friend? How can I ditch the person who’s seen me through so much? I wish there was a middle ground. A path that I could walk with G and D both. I’m realistic though. I know it doesn’t exist. There’s no room for both of them. It just won’t work. I have to leave someone behind…

*Follow me on Twitter @MakeLifeOrange


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