Last night I freaked out a little bit. I just have this gut feeling in the pit of my stomach that going to Baltimore is a bad idea. Is that going to stop me? No of course not. However, I have found in life that you’re gut instincts can usually be trusted. I want to see D. Not to mention, he’s really excited to see me. I know I’m going to be happy while I’m there. I’m not worried about not having a good time. In fact, having a good time is exactly what I’m worried about.
I don’t like dabbling in D’s world. I feel like a foreigner. Granted, I feel the exact opposite when I’m with him alone. We mesh so well. We compliment each other and he understands me. However, we both know I would never fit in his life and he would never fit in mine. It’s like trying to put a square peg into a round hole. Maybe that’s why it is so painful. I know I’m experiencing little blips of a love that will never be. I think D knows it too. It’s probably why we both simultaneously disappeared the last time we saw one another. It hurt.
Yet here I am doing it again. Am I stupid? Probably. I’ve got a good thing going with G. Why would I mess that up? Well first of all I’m not going to mess it up. The plan is to keep in contact with G while I’m there so I don’t forget about him and totally lose my mind. A is also going to help “drag me back to the good universe”. She calls D the “bad universe that I’m visiting for a couple days” and G is “the good universe where I need to stay for a while”. I like her analogies. They are quite funny, but also very true. I’m definitely floating around in outer space right now. I guess that comes with the territory of being young and in college. Not knowing what you want from life, what you want to do, where you’re going to be in ten years, etc.
Life is tough. You have to make decisions…a lot of them. When you’re making them you don’t realize how they can effect you for years and years to come. If I hadn’t slept with D over two years ago, I might not be writing this blog right now. I would probably still be with P. Honestly, I might not even be alive. What I’m saying is it’s amazing how one small choice can set off a chain of events that will change your entire life. I’m very aware of that, which is why I wonder if this choice to go to Baltimore is one of those big ones. It feels that way. I could be wrong though. Everything might go back to normal once I get back. I guess there is that potential with everything we do. The simplest act can change everything. That’s part of playing the game of life though. To live you have to take risks and make these choices. You have to be prepared for the fact that everything might never be the same again.
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