I bought my train tickets to visit D last night. He keeps talking about how excited he is to see me. He says it’s the only thing that’s getting him through this week. He’s even taking away time from studying “because I’m worth it.” My emotions feel like mush. I have a Category 5 hurricane storming in my heart right now.
I want spring break to be over, so I can see G again. I know he’ll beat out D. I’m just starting to feel a little guilty about my decision to go see D. Maybe if it was just about sex I wouldn’t feel guilty. But D and I have a connection on a deeper level. It’s going to be intimate. He’s going to treat me like he loves me, because I’m pretty sure he does. Our feelings for each other have had years to brew and develop. G and I are just starting. There’s no way he can compete with that. What makes it even more unfair is that he doesn’t even know he’s in a competition. Luckily, I’ll only be with D for 24 hours and then I’ll be gone, going back to where G is.
I also wouldn’t be feeling these twinges of guilt if G wasn’t trying so hard. He literally talked to me all day Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday he spent hours helping me go through med schools and finalizing my list of schools I wanted to apply to/visit. He really doesn’t have to do that stuff. He’s been trying really hard for me. He wants me to trust him and see that he cares. I feel like I’m pushing against that by seeing D. Maybe, I subconsciously am. I certainly am afraid of a real relationship, where I would have to put my heart on the table. I could seriously like, maybe even love, G. I’m running from that. I know I am. That’s the reason I decided to see D in the first place. The fearful part of my brain wants to destroy this, which is why it’s driving me to Baltimore. D is safer then G. Why? Because D isn’t going to ask anything from me. He isn’t going to want inside my heart. Maybe he does secretly, but he’ll never express it.
I do want to see D because he’s my friend. That’s a part of it too. I just need to be honest with myself. I know my motives for going. One is to see a person I care about and the other is because I’m afraid of my emotions. I’m reverting back to the familiar and the known due to fear of the unknown. I need to be braver then that. What’s life if you don’t take risks? In my mind, I’ve taken a lot of risks with G and they’ve all paid off. Why shouldn’t I take some more? Once I get back from Baltimore, I’m going to allow G to take center stage. I’m going to be honest with my feelings, and I will let him in. I’m tired of living my life in fear. That was why I left P, wasn’t it? So I didn’t have to live in constant terror. Why am I still doing it to myself? I’m done. No more walls, no more boundaries, no more rules to keep myself safe. I don’t want to live a sheltered life. I want to LIVE. Live like I never could when I was bound in the chains P kept me in. I was able to release myself from the chains, but I’m still hiding in the cage. I’ve been afraid of what will happen if I step out into the light again. No more. There’s nothing to fear. I am strong. I can make it through anything.