Life Kicks You When You’re Down

Sometimes I feel like life wants to kick you when you’re down. I wish I could say I have recovered from last night. That I bounced back…but I can’t. I checked my phone at 9 this morning. I saw I had a facebook message. I figured I would look at it and then go back to sleep. Instead I fell into a panic stricken state. It happened. P contacted me. “I heard you had heart surgery…are you okay?”

I’ve been a mess ever since. I had to wake A up, because I was sitting on the floor crying and hyperventilating. I IMed D as well. Together they helped me handle it. I couldn’t have done it by myself. I would have just cried. We ended up deciding it was best to send him a polite email saying that I was okay, but seriously emphasizing the fact that he should never contact me again. D is positive he isn’t going to leave me alone until I stand my ground. So I sent the email and I plan on deleting any other messages I get from P. I really hope he just goes away. D seems to think this is just the beginning. He’s probably right. D also doesn’t seem to trust that I can stand up to P. I can’t blame him. I went back to P the last time this happened. I think I can now though. I feel like I’m strong enough.

G also hasn’t contacted me still. Although he did like my Facebook status about being in Buffalo for regionals. I’m really not sure what’s up with him. I just wish he would text me and say something. I don’t even care if it’s “I don’t want to see you anymore.” I just want to know. Of course, D took advantage of my unsure state about G and invited me to come see him in Baltimore next Friday. I just might take him up on the offer. It’s not like I’m in a relationship.

This is all a mess. I really haven’t been functioning today. My stress level is through the roof and my body/mind is exhausted. And somehow I have to manage to compete this weekend. Luckily, swimming takes my mind off things. I am very noticeably off though. My coach basically hasn’t left my side because I am behaving like a completely different person. I’m just drained. My coach has been helping though. She made sure I was in the car that had a completely open backseat so I could lay down. She also made sure I had my own bed at the hotel. She’s even been making sure people on the team don’t overwhelm me with requests. I feel bad I suck right now, but I am glad I have someone looking out for me this weekend. I would probably completely break down without that.

I just need a break. I wish this didn’t all happen at once. I can’t handle it on top of school and regionals. It’s way too much for one person. Hopefully, spring break next week will help me get my strength back.


One thought on “Life Kicks You When You’re Down

  1. From where i’m at in life, i envy your life: college, swim team, and family, friends, coaches, teammates that care about you. I understand the pain, hurt, and let downs of relationships…more than one marriage…each divorce left me feeling worthless, wanting to die, empty. I to have that person that continues to haunt my mind…but i found a place in me, a place where i’m a whole person without her. Ok that sounds to good to be true so lets be real, i still hurt, still lose my breath at times thinking bout her but i continue to breathe, come back to the right now, this moment where i to have friends and i have life..right here and now! So Breathe!!! See what you have this very moment (appears to be life… to me), don’t allow shit you can’t control to control you. Want to keep this short yet clear…so i’ll try to sum this up in a few sentences. Hoping you can read between the lines. You are
    You and no one is youer than you (dr seuss) one can
    complete you, you are complete with just YOU! Don’t give others the power to make you sad, cry, feeling worthless, drained, or
    happy…no one has that power unless you give it them. Take that
    power back…you take you back. Remember this line from a bob
    dylan song as you walk through life “it’s not he or she or them or
    it that you belong to.” May you always inspire to be you, you
    deserve to be…you. peace be

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