Sometimes I feel like life wants to kick you when you’re down. I wish I could say I have recovered from last night. That I bounced back…but I can’t. I checked my phone at 9 this morning. I saw I had a facebook message. I figured I would look at it and then go back to sleep. Instead I fell into a panic stricken state. It happened. P contacted me. “I heard you had heart surgery…are you okay?”
I’ve been a mess ever since. I had to wake A up, because I was sitting on the floor crying and hyperventilating. I IMed D as well. Together they helped me handle it. I couldn’t have done it by myself. I would have just cried. We ended up deciding it was best to send him a polite email saying that I was okay, but seriously emphasizing the fact that he should never contact me again. D is positive he isn’t going to leave me alone until I stand my ground. So I sent the email and I plan on deleting any other messages I get from P. I really hope he just goes away. D seems to think this is just the beginning. He’s probably right. D also doesn’t seem to trust that I can stand up to P. I can’t blame him. I went back to P the last time this happened. I think I can now though. I feel like I’m strong enough.
G also hasn’t contacted me still. Although he did like my Facebook status about being in Buffalo for regionals. I’m really not sure what’s up with him. I just wish he would text me and say something. I don’t even care if it’s “I don’t want to see you anymore.” I just want to know. Of course, D took advantage of my unsure state about G and invited me to come see him in Baltimore next Friday. I just might take him up on the offer. It’s not like I’m in a relationship.
This is all a mess. I really haven’t been functioning today. My stress level is through the roof and my body/mind is exhausted. And somehow I have to manage to compete this weekend. Luckily, swimming takes my mind off things. I am very noticeably off though. My coach basically hasn’t left my side because I am behaving like a completely different person. I’m just drained. My coach has been helping though. She made sure I was in the car that had a completely open backseat so I could lay down. She also made sure I had my own bed at the hotel. She’s even been making sure people on the team don’t overwhelm me with requests. I feel bad I suck right now, but I am glad I have someone looking out for me this weekend. I would probably completely break down without that.
I just need a break. I wish this didn’t all happen at once. I can’t handle it on top of school and regionals. It’s way too much for one person. Hopefully, spring break next week will help me get my strength back.