The Trauma Of Survival


So I didn’t hear from G today and I basically broke down. I’m losing grip on reality. That’s mostly because this has been one of the busiest and most sleep deprived weeks of my life. I’ve gotten eight hours in the past three days. It’s the week before spring break so I had one million things to do. Not to mention synchro regionals are this weekend and I had to get ready for that as well. It’s been a mess. And now I’m a mess.

After all of my stress about school and worry about G culminated I had a really bad panick attack. I haven’t had one in a really long time. I know my mind can get like this though. These are the times where I feel like I’m walking a thin line between crazy and sane. G definitely triggered it though. It’s just not like him to not text me or something. I don’t need constant contact. I have just become accustomed to his habits. Now I’m worried I did something wrong. After I freaked out, A took me for a walk to calm me down. It really helped, but I doubt I’ll feel fully better until I get a lot of sleep. She’s pretty positive G is just busy today. She’s probably right. I hope she is.

Everyone definitely has a breaking point. I hit mine today. It has been a very long time since I experienced this fear and insecurity. Right now it’s stemming from nothing, but before it was caused by P. I was having horrible flashbacks and just trapped in this state of panic earlier tonight. It was really hard for me to pull myself out of it and realize that G wasn’t causing it. He hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s all residual from P. I don’t think I could have realized that without A’s help. She really proved she is a good friend today, because I was an absolute mess for quite a while.

I feel like I have some sort of PTSD or something. Any sort of anxiety just sends me into a state of fear. I go into survival mode and it exhausts my body. I know it’s a reflex from the hell I went through. My mind adapted so I could make it through that alive. I don’t need that anymore. It’s still there though. It comes out whenever I have to deal with something difficult or handle a situation with my emotions. The walls go up and after enough stress they do break. When they crumble, my mind responds like I’m going to die. I feel so vulnerable that I get that scared. This is the worst it has been in a while. I’m going to go try to sleep it off. I have time for ten hours, but that won’t be nearly enough to recover all of the energy I’ve expended. Luckily, I have next week off.

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