The Story Of The Boys Who Loved You

This is the story of the boys who loved you
You were young and the first hit you like a ton of bricks
You fell hard, off a ten story building
Never saw, never knew just what you would go through
And oh it hurt, he was cruel and he was tough
Rendered you defenseless, and tore you apart

This is the story of the boys who loved you
The second came as your saving grace
He stole you away from your accustomed pain
Doted, cared, adored, but never gave you the title you were looking for
Would have killed for you though
But you never saw
Fear drove you away from it all

This is the story of the boys who loved you
The first came back and swept you up in his storm
Love: passionate, fiery and warm
You forgot what he could be
Not for long though. No, not for long
He would take it all
You poured yourself in and he never said thank you
Only took more. Oh, he took every last piece
He would take away every last thing that was yours

This is the story of the boys who loved you
You enamored the third
He was intrigued and dove right in
Once under he realized he couldn’t swim
Made quickly for the edge of the pool
He stands on the side now, waiting
Wants you to teach him to swim, but too afraid to say so
You wait for him to join you
He never will though
You make laps and he watches
Trying to muster the courage to dip his toes in

This is the story of the boys who loved you
But what about you?
One, two, three only think of me me me
Never know, never see everything that you could be
All adoration and affections ignored
Leaving you with a heart so pained and sore
Fragile, broken, worked dead to the bone
You are writing their story, but who will write yours?

Him And The Other

Words fall from his lips

Smooth and enticing, they enchant her

Weaving a spell that draws her in

His mysterious eyes are magnetizing

She wants to know more…

But no, she has been claimed by another

Another who’s beautiful smile radiates from across the room

Not directed at her though, never at her

The other thinks he has her, thinks he owns her

She wants him though…

He is warm and inviting

He draws her in like a moth to a flame

Welcoming arms that symbolize comfort and safety

Wrap her up and never let go

She never wants to leave…

The sharp voice of the other calls to her

She is reminded of her duty to serve

She retreats from him, from her happiness

Keeping only a memory of that wonderful feeling

She will soon fade into darkness…

Staring Into The Eyes Of A Monster

It finally happened. The moment I have been dreading for six months. I saw P. I didn’t just see him from a distance either. I was walking through one of the older buildings heading to a review. This particular one is characterized by its very long hallways. I turned the corner to head down one of those corridors and I saw him at the other end. It was like a nightmare. Time seemed to slow and I had to will my body to move forward. I was absolutely terrified. We were the only ones in the hallways. I was alone. I was vulnerable.

I couldn’t help but stare at him though. I was trying to gage his reaction, to decide if I should run or not. I looked into his eyes. They were cold and dark. They bore into my soul the way they used to. In a painful way that said, “You are mine. I own you.” The black abyss was evil. I could see rage inside him as well. There was anger that wanted to punish me for defying him and fury due to the fact that I dare set foot in the same building as him. These were the eyes of a monster. I saw no remorse or sadness. Nor even a hint of regret. The look he gave me was malicious and sadistic. Somehow I managed to keep moving and I got passed him. He turned to try and talk to me, but I hurried away. Once I turned the corner, I sprinted for the classroom I was headed towards.

When I sat down I was shaking like a leaf. My fingers were so bad that I could not unbutton my coat. There was a lump in my throat and I felt like I was going to vomit. I also wanted to cry. I was so terrified in that moment. I had completely let my guard down and that was when he appeared. I was finally feeling relaxed and safe on campus. I stopped looking for him everywhere and as soon as I did he was there. It’s funny how life works that way. Everything happens when you least expect it.

I’m scared now. I have been reminded that P is not gone forever. He could be in the same building as me at any time. It’s possible that I will see him every day for the rest of the semester. I will have to look into those eyes again. I may have to face that evil and I don’t know if I am strong enough. I feel like a small, weak little girl right now. I can’t fight this monster on my own. He’s too big and too strong. I could easily be overpowered. I could easily lose. And that’s terrifying.

The Tag Game!

I was invited into a game by Leila from http://dontbesadleila.wordpress.com .  Here are the rules :

  1. Post the rules that are a part of this game
  2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged
  3. Tag eleven people and link to them on your post
  4. Let them know you’ve tagged them!

Questions:

1. Right this moment, are you happy? Why yes/not?

Yes, I am. I have had a very good day and I’m feeling excellent about my life. I just know it’s going to keep getting better

2. Why did you start blogging?

I started blogging to help me handle my break up with P. It helped me to realize the effects the relationship had on me.

3. What is your favorite language?

English, because I’m a silly American and that’s the only language I speak.

4. What was the last movie you watched and what did you think about it?

Gosh, I can’t remember the last time I watched a movie. I do believe the last movie I watched was Love And Other Drugs with Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway. I thought it was a very inspiring move, but very sad. Anne has Parkinson’s, but Jake decides to be with her even though he knows she’s going to die soon.

5. What book has influenced you the most and how?

To be honest, I haven’t really been influenced by any books. I read a lot of Fantasy and Fiction works. The most recent book I’ve read was Inheritance (the 4th Eragon book) and before that I read Game of Thrones. I feel like if I read more non-Fiction I would be more inspired, but I usually like stories to take my mind into another world.

If you could be someone/something for a day, what would you be?

This is probably going to sound weird, but I would want to be P. I want to understand how his mind works. I need to know how he could do something like that.

Do you have a motto?

Make Life Orange.

How old were you when you moved out of your parent’s house?

I was 16. It was when I started school at Penn State.

How would you describe your relationship with your mother in one word?

Honest.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your nose?

6. It’s a little crooked.

If you could live anywhere in the world, in any time in history, where and when would it be?

I would want to experience the Women’s Rights movement in the United States. I imagine that if I lived in that time I would have been a part of it. I’ve always been very outspoken and adamant about equality for everyone.

People I’m Tagging:

A Living Oddity

emarie

Atlas

MayDay

David

freedirk

columbuscynic

relationshipwithit

creativenoodling

The Future of Hope

Nick Rolynd

My Questions:

  1. Why did you start blogging?
  2. What is your favorite color?
  3. If you could go anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?
  4. Facebook or Twitter? Why?
  5. What’s your favorite quote?
  6. What is your ideal career?
  7. Favorite breed of dog?
  8. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
  9. What’s your favorite part about yourself?
  10. If you could apologize to anyone who would it be and why?
  11. What’s the  biggest lesson you’ve learned in life?


Journey Into The Dark, An Account of My Rape

I think it’s about time I do this. I wouldn’t have had the guts to do it, but A Living Oddity encouraged me. This is also posted on his blog and you should all check him out.

I want to take you on a journey, to another place and another time. We’re going to travel into a different world, a dark world. I ask you to come with me, not to hurt you, but to educate you. I want to help you understand. At times it may seem as though there is no happiness left, no light to be seen for miles. But that is real and that is the truth. There are places like that, and sometimes you must blindly fumble your way out of them. I’m going to guide you though. I will take your hand, walk you through the evil and bring you back into the light. I would never leave anyone behind. So will you come with me? Because there is no turning back after this…

You’ve been drinking. Your mind feels hazy, as though you can’t properly keep up with what is going on around you. He’s next to you on the couch, three quarters of the fifth of Jack Daniel’s is gone. How did the bottle empty that quickly? Fear strikes you, sobering you slightly. You must be careful. He is very drunk. One wrong move could lead to disaster. You know this and you’ve been conditioned to it. If you just listen to what he wants everything will be fine. Just listen and be good. Take another shot. That will make it easier.

He looks at you. You can see drunken desire in his eyes. They roam over your body as if you’re an object. To him you are. You are his prize and his property. He has claimed you as one of his many possessions, to treat as he see fit. He touches you. Hands travel where they want to. Every touch stings, painful to your mind and soul. The brain begins to scream, “Get out! Run!” You almost listen, but then survival instinct kicks in. It reminds you that pulling away would be bad. That would make him angry and you don’t want him angry. So you let him touch you. You let his fingers glide inside you, feeling that small amount of physical pleasure you are still capable of mustering up. You succumb and numb your mind with it. Focus on how happy your body wants you to be, maybe that will make it feel better. Maybe then your heart will stop screaming in pain and you won’t feel so disgusted on the inside. Close your eyes so you don’t have to look at him. Pretend he is someone else. Anyone else would be better.

Drunkenly, he leads you into the bedroom. You know it will only get worse from here. However, maybe if you play the game just right it will be okay. Just follow all his rules. Don’t break any of them. Be good and you’ll make it through the night. He takes out the handcuffs. This is the moment when you fail. Sober, you would have known that allowing him to do that could be risky. Alcohol has numbed your mind though. You remember the times he’s tied you down lately. He hasn’t done anything bad in a while. Just listen, saying no would be more trouble then it’s worth. He restrains you. And you miss the malicious look in his eye.

The sex is quick. He never lasts long. You fake enjoying it with every bone in your body though. You think you’re pleasing him. Once you please him, he’ll pass out. Then you will be free. This is what you think will happen. You are about to learn that you are very wrong. When he finishes, he sits up and looks at you. You ask him to let you go. He says no. You see a flash of anger. Terror rips through your body. He is mad and you have no way out. “We’re going again.” He keeps you hog tied and pulls you on top of him. You plead with him, “No I don’t want to go again.” He slaps you. Blood rushes to your face as you feel the stinging imprint of his hand. With sickening dread you realize you aren’t going to escape. Tears begin to stream down your face. Shakes of panic rack your body. You hear his voice filled with hatred in your ear, “Oh stop whining.” He pulls himself out of you and forces it into your anus. You scream. The pain is terrible. It rips through your being, threatening to pull you apart at the seams. Luckily, he is drunk and soft. He can’t keep it inside for long. That does not deter him though. He knows how much it hurts you. He’s put you in this kind of excruciating pain before. Never against your will though, but he is mad. He is angry about what you have done. How you have hurt him and how you have betrayed him. He’s going to punish you.

The cycle seems to go on for hours. Minutes of extreme pain. Minutes of relief. You continue to sob and shake. He does not seem to notice or care. He keeps pushing it in harder and farther. You wonder if you’re going to die tonight. Has he finally snapped? Has the rage finally taken over? It seems entirely possible. You begin to pray. You ask the God you’ve never acknowledged before to save you. You beg Him to let you live another day. You want to see your family one more time. You want to graduate college. All of these wishes, hopes and dreams. Could this be the end of it all? Maybe He heard you or maybe he just got tired. Either way, it ended as abruptly as it began. He unties you and rolls over, falling asleep nearly immediately. You retreat to the couch. You sob quietly. You dare not wake him again.

The next morning he asks you why you slept on the couch. You realize he doesn’t remember a thing. You recount what happened. He refuses to believe you. If you mention it he scolds you and tells you to stop talking about it. It never happened. You try and convince your mind. It seems to listen. You lock those thoughts and memories away. It all seems to fade after a while.

Three months later you will remember. You will relive the entire event in a horrifying dream. You will wake up in a state of terror, pale as a ghost. This is the moment when you truly understand what has happened to you. You feel yourself break and you feel your heart shatter. You didn’t think it could hurt any worse, but it does. Guilt mixed with pain, anger, hurt and fear. It takes you a while to come to terms with the fact that you were rapped, vaginally and anally. It was rape. There is no denying it. Just because you were in a relationship does not make it okay. Just because you lived with him does not mean you owed him anything. It will take even longer for you to fully understand these facts. You will though. You will be okay.

For those of you who read this far, I thank you. I thank you for taking that journey with me. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever written in my entire life. Well worth it though, because now I feel at peace. Telling the entire story has released some sort of weight that was resting heavy on my heart. I hope you all took something from it, no matter how small.

Broken Faces Of Me And What I Used To Be

I stare at a picture of me and P from when we first started dating and ask myself, “What happened?” I really can’t explain it. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t even know the girl who is smiling back at her. This girl is young and very beautiful. There’s no sadness in her eyes. If you stare into them, you won’t see pain. You won’t see fear. Life hasn’t gotten to her yet. It hasn’t brought her down. She’s still innocent. She still has much to learn.

The girl staring back at me in the mirror right now is foreign too. She is so hurt. Her face is constricted in agonizing pain. She can’t figure out how to get over this. She can’t figure out how to get these thoughts out of her mind. All she wants is to forget and not feel anything for a while. Numb herself completely so she doesn’t have to experience this horror anymore. She curls into a ball and rocks back and forth. Maybe if she holds herself tight enough she won’t be afraid. Her arms are safety. They won’t hurt her. They’re the only thing she’s got left.

I’ve seen her face many times before. I know what she wants and needs, but I don’t know how to help her. I want to transform her back into what she used to be: young, innocent, beautiful, unhurt. But I can’t. This realization only makes her pain worse. She’s begging to be saved. Someone, anyone needs to save her from this. She needs someone to hold her hand so she can pick up the broken pieces of her heart. She’s trying to do it by herself, but the loneliness consumes her. It drags her deeper into the dark and she loses more of herself. She sits down and wants to give up. It feels as though her soul is rupturing. Will anyone shine a light into this desolate place?

 

Expect The Worst, Hope For The Best

Last night was one of those stereotypical college nights. I was at a frat and I was white girl wasted. We were at G’s fraternity. He wasn’t there at first. He was out at the bars, but I went to chill with A, S, Bryan, Cameron and a few other people. I texted G and asked him to come though. He said he might.

Anxiety over whether or not he would actually show made me drink pretty quickly. After a bit I managed to calm down and start enjoying myself. Then we were down in the kitchen and I felt someone press a cold beer against my leg and wrap an arm around me. G came. Of course I was really happy to see him. I was also quite drunk at this point so it was probably all very exaggerated.

We hung out downstairs for a while with everybody. S kept trying to intervene with what was going on with us though. It started to piss me off because she was saying stuff to G that I was not comfortable with. I wasn’t actually there when this was occurring either. G would just tell me what she said to him. I do not trust her at all at this point. She does not have my best interest at heart. A says she wants to be “queen of the jungle”. Power hungry girls are dangerous. That’s for sure. I’m going to have to keep an eye on her.

Anyways it got to a point where we were both really drunk and needed to go home. Of course I wanted to go to G’s, but he lives a mile off campus. We’ve walked there before, but he said he was going to take me home because I was too drunk and he also knew he couldn’t satisfy me right now. He did go about a half mile to walk me back which was nice. It probably takes an hour and a half to walk from my place to his so he went really out of his way. He held my hand on the way home too. He swore up and down that he would make it up to me today. That I would see him tonight and we could have a good time together. I told him that I just couldn’t trust him and he seemed pretty adamant on proving me wrong. He understood why though. Once we got to my dorm he stopped and told me not to worry because, “You’re awesome. You’re one of the most awesome people I’ve ever met.” Then he kissed me and I went upstairs.

I don’t really know what to think about it all right now. I feel like his words and promises meant nothing because we were both so intoxicated. He promised he was going to see me today, but I am really not sure if it’s going to happen. If it doesn’t, I am definitely done with this. It’s too much stress and he has absolutely no excuse not to come through. There’s text message evidence of it too so even if he was blacked out (which I don’t think he was), he has no reason not to keep his promise. The funny thing is I still don’t think he’s going to. Life has taught me to expect the worst in people, because that’s what they usually show you. G seems like a nice guy, but I just can’t trust him. He hasn’t proven himself yet. I hope he does because I really like him and I feel like I can connect with him. I still expect the worst though. I just can’t help it at this point.