I think it’s about time I do this. I wouldn’t have had the guts to do it, but A Living Oddity encouraged me. This is also posted on his blog and you should all check him out.
I want to take you on a journey, to another place and another time. We’re going to travel into a different world, a dark world. I ask you to come with me, not to hurt you, but to educate you. I want to help you understand. At times it may seem as though there is no happiness left, no light to be seen for miles. But that is real and that is the truth. There are places like that, and sometimes you must blindly fumble your way out of them. I’m going to guide you though. I will take your hand, walk you through the evil and bring you back into the light. I would never leave anyone behind. So will you come with me? Because there is no turning back after this…
You’ve been drinking. Your mind feels hazy, as though you can’t properly keep up with what is going on around you. He’s next to you on the couch, three quarters of the fifth of Jack Daniel’s is gone. How did the bottle empty that quickly? Fear strikes you, sobering you slightly. You must be careful. He is very drunk. One wrong move could lead to disaster. You know this and you’ve been conditioned to it. If you just listen to what he wants everything will be fine. Just listen and be good. Take another shot. That will make it easier.
He looks at you. You can see drunken desire in his eyes. They roam over your body as if you’re an object. To him you are. You are his prize and his property. He has claimed you as one of his many possessions, to treat as he see fit. He touches you. Hands travel where they want to. Every touch stings, painful to your mind and soul. The brain begins to scream, “Get out! Run!” You almost listen, but then survival instinct kicks in. It reminds you that pulling away would be bad. That would make him angry and you don’t want him angry. So you let him touch you. You let his fingers glide inside you, feeling that small amount of physical pleasure you are still capable of mustering up. You succumb and numb your mind with it. Focus on how happy your body wants you to be, maybe that will make it feel better. Maybe then your heart will stop screaming in pain and you won’t feel so disgusted on the inside. Close your eyes so you don’t have to look at him. Pretend he is someone else. Anyone else would be better.
Drunkenly, he leads you into the bedroom. You know it will only get worse from here. However, maybe if you play the game just right it will be okay. Just follow all his rules. Don’t break any of them. Be good and you’ll make it through the night. He takes out the handcuffs. This is the moment when you fail. Sober, you would have known that allowing him to do that could be risky. Alcohol has numbed your mind though. You remember the times he’s tied you down lately. He hasn’t done anything bad in a while. Just listen, saying no would be more trouble then it’s worth. He restrains you. And you miss the malicious look in his eye.
The sex is quick. He never lasts long. You fake enjoying it with every bone in your body though. You think you’re pleasing him. Once you please him, he’ll pass out. Then you will be free. This is what you think will happen. You are about to learn that you are very wrong. When he finishes, he sits up and looks at you. You ask him to let you go. He says no. You see a flash of anger. Terror rips through your body. He is mad and you have no way out. “We’re going again.” He keeps you hog tied and pulls you on top of him. You plead with him, “No I don’t want to go again.” He slaps you. Blood rushes to your face as you feel the stinging imprint of his hand. With sickening dread you realize you aren’t going to escape. Tears begin to stream down your face. Shakes of panic rack your body. You hear his voice filled with hatred in your ear, “Oh stop whining.” He pulls himself out of you and forces it into your anus. You scream. The pain is terrible. It rips through your being, threatening to pull you apart at the seams. Luckily, he is drunk and soft. He can’t keep it inside for long. That does not deter him though. He knows how much it hurts you. He’s put you in this kind of excruciating pain before. Never against your will though, but he is mad. He is angry about what you have done. How you have hurt him and how you have betrayed him. He’s going to punish you.
The cycle seems to go on for hours. Minutes of extreme pain. Minutes of relief. You continue to sob and shake. He does not seem to notice or care. He keeps pushing it in harder and farther. You wonder if you’re going to die tonight. Has he finally snapped? Has the rage finally taken over? It seems entirely possible. You begin to pray. You ask the God you’ve never acknowledged before to save you. You beg Him to let you live another day. You want to see your family one more time. You want to graduate college. All of these wishes, hopes and dreams. Could this be the end of it all? Maybe He heard you or maybe he just got tired. Either way, it ended as abruptly as it began. He unties you and rolls over, falling asleep nearly immediately. You retreat to the couch. You sob quietly. You dare not wake him again.
The next morning he asks you why you slept on the couch. You realize he doesn’t remember a thing. You recount what happened. He refuses to believe you. If you mention it he scolds you and tells you to stop talking about it. It never happened. You try and convince your mind. It seems to listen. You lock those thoughts and memories away. It all seems to fade after a while.
Three months later you will remember. You will relive the entire event in a horrifying dream. You will wake up in a state of terror, pale as a ghost. This is the moment when you truly understand what has happened to you. You feel yourself break and you feel your heart shatter. You didn’t think it could hurt any worse, but it does. Guilt mixed with pain, anger, hurt and fear. It takes you a while to come to terms with the fact that you were rapped, vaginally and anally. It was rape. There is no denying it. Just because you were in a relationship does not make it okay. Just because you lived with him does not mean you owed him anything. It will take even longer for you to fully understand these facts. You will though. You will be okay.
For those of you who read this far, I thank you. I thank you for taking that journey with me. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever written in my entire life. Well worth it though, because now I feel at peace. Telling the entire story has released some sort of weight that was resting heavy on my heart. I hope you all took something from it, no matter how small.