Heart vs. Mind


G proved me wrong. I’m so glad he did. He really is a good guy. About an hour ago, he IMed me “I’m sorry we couldn’t hang out today :-(.” Apparently he got tied up with stuff he had to do for his fraternity. I was just glad I got an explanation and he seemed genuinely sorry. No plans for when we will hang out next, but I feel much better.

P has really messed me up. I didn’t realize the extent of it until today. The effects of four years of being in survival mode were very evident. I completely shut down. It took A hours to pull me out of it. I had to build so many walls to protect myself these past years. Every time P broke them down and destroyed them, I had to make them stronger. Now I’m hiding in an impenetrable fortress. G is at the entryway, politely requesting that I let him in. I’m terrified though. He scares me so much. Just because I really like him.

My brain is screaming at me to run, run far away. I know it’s just what I’ve been conditioned to feel. That’s why I’m trying to listen to my heart. My heart wants to trust G and let him in. To allow him to make me feel good and treat me right.

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