A Scarred Heart


G asked me on a date! It happened only a couple hours after I wrote my last post. He asked if I wanted to go to lunch and see a movie next week. Of course then I had to tell him about my surgery. I don’t like seeming like a complete mess right away, but he seemed more concerned for my health then anything else. So now the plan is to go on the date whenever I recover and come back to school. We ended up texting for the rest of the day too. And he ended the conversation by saying that I should text him tomorrow so we can keep chatting.

I realized I’m kind of scared. It’s been a really freaking long time since I’ve been at the beginning of anything with someone. I don’t know where it will go with G obviously, but he is very clearly interested. I just worry that if he finds out about my past he will turn and run. To say I have baggage is an understatement. I know I have a beautiful, loving heart. It is very clearly scarred. I just wonder if G could handle those scars.

I’m also afraid of liking someone again. I’ve done a lot to protect myself. I’ve made a lot of internal boundaries and built some really thick walls. Letting another person in this fortress is daunting. It’s been six months since P and I broke up and four since we stopped seeing each other. I think it’s time I give dating someone else a chance. I’ll just have to be careful and take it slow. I know experiencing how a guy should treat a girl will be good for me. It may even help my healing process.

I also need to learn how to trust again. It may sound silly, but in my mind agreeing to go on a date with G is placing a small amount of trust in him. It’s fucking scary. I’ve gotten so used to relying on myself. I know where my life is going and I’m in complete control. Now there is a factor that I can’t control. I suppose I just need to take baby steps, a little bit of trust at a time. If he doesn’t let me down it really will help me. There will be less fear and less of a need to be in control of everything in order to feel safe.

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4 thoughts on “A Scarred Heart

  1. If you can get over that hurdle then I’ll be immensely proud of you. I still can’t trust my partner, I have a very hard time. We’ve been talking more lately about insecurities but I still can’t, I’ve let my guard down as far as it’ll go, I want it to go further but it’s still extremely hard.

    I think you should give this thing with G a go, it can be something very healthy. Let him take you out, and treat you the way you’re supposed to be treated. (:

    Baby steps never hurt anyone. I’m a big fan of baby steps.

  2. I was looking through new posts after work and saw yours. I started reading it and was intrigued. So I read your first post and coulnd’t stop. Read through your entire blog, start to finish.

    I just want to say that I admire your strength through all this adversity.

    I hope everything goes well on Monday and will follow your posts to see how things go with G.

    New to wordpress and was trying to decide whether to start a blog of my own or not. You have given me inspiration to give it a go, Thank You.

    • Wow, thank you very much. Reading my entire blog must have taken a very long time. I appreciate it. And I am quite glad you will be starting your own blog. I find writing to be very therapeutic and I hope you do too. I’ll be sure to check it out šŸ™‚

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