G asked me on a date! It happened only a couple hours after I wrote my last post. He asked if I wanted to go to lunch and see a movie next week. Of course then I had to tell him about my surgery. I don’t like seeming like a complete mess right away, but he seemed more concerned for my health then anything else. So now the plan is to go on the date whenever I recover and come back to school. We ended up texting for the rest of the day too. And he ended the conversation by saying that I should text him tomorrow so we can keep chatting.
I realized I’m kind of scared. It’s been a really freaking long time since I’ve been at the beginning of anything with someone. I don’t know where it will go with G obviously, but he is very clearly interested. I just worry that if he finds out about my past he will turn and run. To say I have baggage is an understatement. I know I have a beautiful, loving heart. It is very clearly scarred. I just wonder if G could handle those scars.
I’m also afraid of liking someone again. I’ve done a lot to protect myself. I’ve made a lot of internal boundaries and built some really thick walls. Letting another person in this fortress is daunting. It’s been six months since P and I broke up and four since we stopped seeing each other. I think it’s time I give dating someone else a chance. I’ll just have to be careful and take it slow. I know experiencing how a guy should treat a girl will be good for me. It may even help my healing process.
I also need to learn how to trust again. It may sound silly, but in my mind agreeing to go on a date with G is placing a small amount of trust in him. It’s fucking scary. I’ve gotten so used to relying on myself. I know where my life is going and I’m in complete control. Now there is a factor that I can’t control. I suppose I just need to take baby steps, a little bit of trust at a time. If he doesn’t let me down it really will help me. There will be less fear and less of a need to be in control of everything in order to feel safe.