The reality of what occurred with P is rapidly disappearing. It feels like a dream. Something I imagined that never actually occurred. He seems to be morphing into a figment of my imagination the longer I go without contact with him. I can’t remember what he actually looks like. The images in my mind are distorted. When I remember the good times, he is beautiful and radiant. If bad memories are haunting me, he is an evil monster terrorizing my soul.
I fear what is occurring within my mind. I do not want to lose the reality of what occurred, the pure reality. I am very aware that my brain is rapidly distorting P, turning him into a character rather than a live human being. I do not know how to keep this from happening with bogging down my mind with thoughts of him. Thinking about him hurts. However the longer I go without thinking about him, the more my subconscious changes what he really was. I wonder if it is an emotional coping mechanism. Is my brain adapting P into something that will be easier for me to heal from?
Our good times feel like a fairy tale. They are faint memories in my mind. Something that existed long ago, that will never be again. I have very few good times to remember. They are wisps. My consciousness grasps them briefly, but then they slip away into the dark recesses of my mind. I have to try very hard to drag them up from the depths. The bad memories are like lightning bolts. During a storm, they flash spontaneously creating a deafening roar and momentarily blinding me. These moments are very brief, but during them I’m screaming on the inside. I feel the terror the same way I felt it when the memory occurred. Once my brain recovers, it quickly works to bury these thoughts deep in my subconscious. However, not without repercussion. The lightning causes a shock that reverberates through my entire body. It leaves me in painful recovery for much longer then the moment actually lasted.
I wish I could understand the way my mind behaves the way it does. I strongly desire to know why it does what it does to my memories. I am losing grip of the reality of my relationship with P. Is this good or bad? Will this help me heal? Only time will tell.