The Right One

Well G is perfect. I cannot find one flaw. I cannot find one thing I do not like about him. He is the nicest guy that I have ever met. The only problem I have is that he is graduating at the end of this semester.

Last night we had a conversation about sex. I admitted that I was an extremely horny person, but I was nervous because I hadn’t started with anyone new in over two years. He was completely understanding. He told me we could wait as long as I wanted or if I wanted him to go for it he would. I told him I did want him to go for it. I hung out with him for quite a long time tonight. We did have sex and it was fantastic. The best I’ve ever had. I was being shy though. Later I thanked him for being patient with me and he said, “You’re welcome. Your comfort is my main priority.”

How did I get this lucky? I’m so scared. It feels too good to be true. I keep waiting for demons to pop out. I keep waiting for him to do something mean or selfish. He never does. He tends to my every need with a huge grin on his face. He’s also smart like me. He started college when he was 17. He didn’t think it was weird at all that I was eighteen and a junior. In fact, he was happy and impressed.

I like to think there’s something out there looking out for me. Whatever higher powers there are saw that I have been through enough. They finally sent me a good guy. Granted, I am absolutely terrified. I am afraid of everything that goes along with getting involved with someone. I don’t want to be hurt again or go through the amount of pain I had to with P. But maybe G is worth that risk. Maybe he could be exactly what I need.

Heart vs. Mind

G proved me wrong. I’m so glad he did. He really is a good guy. About an hour ago, he IMed me “I’m sorry we couldn’t hang out today :-(.” Apparently he got tied up with stuff he had to do for his fraternity. I was just glad I got an explanation and he seemed genuinely sorry. No plans for when we will hang out next, but I feel much better.

P has really messed me up. I didn’t realize the extent of it until today. The effects of four years of being in survival mode were very evident. I completely shut down. It took A hours to pull me out of it. I had to build so many walls to protect myself these past years. Every time P broke them down and destroyed them, I had to make them stronger. Now I’m hiding in an impenetrable fortress. G is at the entryway, politely requesting that I let him in. I’m terrified though. He scares me so much. Just because I really like him.

My brain is screaming at me to run, run far away. I know it’s just what I’ve been conditioned to feel. That’s why I’m trying to listen to my heart. My heart wants to trust G and let him in. To allow him to make me feel good and treat me right.

At A Loss…

Well, I knew something bad was bound to happen eventually. I thought I was supposed to hang out with G today. He made it sound like he wanted to yesterday. He also chatted with me for a couple hours last night on Facebook. Today he was so weird though. I didn’t hear from him at all. So I finally gave in and decided to text him at 6:30. After getting three one word texts in a row I just didn’t respond. No word since and he’s not online on Facebook.

I’m definitely upset about it. I’m a lot less upset now then I was a couple of hours ago though. A had to work really hard to get me out of my funk. I’m just absolutely terrified he randomly decided he didn’t like me. I have no other way to explain his behavior today. Last night I went with S to one of Bryan’s concerts because he’s a trombone major. G told me next time Bryan has a concert, I should invite him so we can make S the third wheel. That makes it sound an awful lot like we’re a couple to me. It also seems like he likes me. So what the hell happened between then and now?

D being back in the picture does not help this situation. He was talking to me all day today. It’s really nice to have him back. I missed chatting with him. He does muddle my brain though, like I said earlier. I just really hope G is just busy. I want him to redeem himself. He’s the first guy I’ve let myself like since P. I don’t want it to fall through this quickly. That would really hurt and do some major damage to my self esteem. It would definitely make me really afraid to try this again with someone else. Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. I’m pretty much at a loss right now.

When It Rains It Pours

Oh boy do I have news. Guess who decided to make their reappearance in my life? Yup, D. Out of the blue, he chatted me and asked me how’s life. Of course at first I was so pissed I didn’t want to answer. I decided to. I told him about the heart surgery. He was really upset and worried. Then he said, “Well I was just curious to see if you missed me at all.” I said his disappearance had perplexed me. He then accused me of disappearing as well. I guess in a way I did. I didn’t try very hard with him.  Anyways, he was curious about seeing me again. I took that opportunity to tell him about G. I could tell he was disappointed and hoping it didn’t work out. At the end of our conversation he said, “Well you don’t owe me anything. But I like to think we shared some really good times together for a substantial period of time. And I still care about you. I want you in my life.”

Of course, this happens when I finally am interested in someone. It just makes everything that much more confusing. Last night with G was really great. He had his arm around me for most of the social, and he was taking me around and introducing me to all of the brothers. At the end, we walked back to his place. All we did again was kiss and cuddle. I’ve never been with a guy this respectful. I think he wants me to know he wants me for me and not for sex. In the morning, he made me breakfast and we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie. Then he had to go drive his friend somewhere so he took me home. He did the cutest thing though. When we walked outside, there was snow all over the ground and I was wearing flats. So he turned around and picked me up and carried me to his car. He just thinks of stuff like that. I didn’t even have to say anything. That’s probably my favorite part about G so far. He’s very considerate of my feelings.

So I have no idea how to handle all this. D is definitely back because he’s talking to me right now. I just don’t want him to mess up anything with G. My mind feels so muddled right now. I have no idea what I want, except to know what both of their intentions are. I guess I just have to be patient. I’m seeing G tomorrow though. Perhaps, it will get a little less foggy then.

Overwhelming Stress

School stress is going to kill me. Don’t ever miss a week of college if you want to be a doctor and are taking 18 credits and training to be an EMT and treasurer of your synchronized swimming team. Just a little advice from me to you.

I’ve been studying for a physics make up exam for eight hours. I am exhausted. I’m two nights in a row with only five hours of sleep. The exam is in five hours as well so I won’t be getting much sleep tonight. That’s for damn sure. I broke down earlier because I am so bad at physics. I excel in every single other area, but for some reason my mind simply cannot grasp it. After being away for a week I’ve lost it completely. Im probably going to fail tomorrow and have to drop the class. I’ll plead with my professor to help me and let me retake it first of course. I just literally haven’t had a second to spare this week. I took four hours for myself to hang out with G. That’s it.

I just want it to be tomorrow night. That’s the social with G. Plus all of my roommates will be there with their dates. It’s going to be really fun. I just want to let loose after this crazy week. It has been miserable. I don’t like to whine. I like to be strong and soldier on in stoic silence. So I’m sorry but I really need to complain a little. It’s just been quite rough. Especially when I’m surrounded by my friends who barely do any work at all and complain to no end when they do. I try to respect them. But there is absolutely no denying it is much more challenging to be in science then business or education. I chose this path though. I want to be a doctor and I want to help people. I just have to get through this so I can do that one day.

The First Date

G and I finally hung out tonight. We went to his apartment and made pizza and watched a movie. When I say watched a movie I really mean talked through two movies and they were just on as background noise. He put his arm around me and tickled me. It didn’t go any farther then that though. He didn’t even try and kiss me. When I got home he sent me a text right away saying he had a great time. I was a little worried about the fact that we didn’t even kiss, but then he said he wanted me to be sure he wasn’t just using me for sex.  I thought that was really sweet. I’m going to see him again on Friday. His fraternity is having a private social and he asked me to be his date. S and Bryan will also be there, and Cameron also asked A to be her date. It should be really fun.

I really, really, really like G. It’s fucking scary. I am an independent woman. I don’t need men….but I really like him. My mind is going crazy right now. I really don’t know how to handle this. I’ve been waiting for this to happen since I broke up with P. To start seeing someone new that actually likes me. Now that it is happening, I’m freaking out on the inside. I know I’m just afraid of getting hurt again and losing control over my life. But I guess a good person wouldn’t want to control my life. G seems like a really good person. We agree on so many things and have similar philosophies about how to live our lives. Gah, this is bad. Anyways, I’ll try to keep you all updated. I’ve been swamped with work since I got back to school which is why I haven’t posted as much.

Sometimes Perfection Can Be Perfect Hell

I have a confession to make. It’s something I try my best to hide, and I’ve even hidden it from you. Sometimes I feel stupid about it because in reality it’s something I should be proud of. I’m a certified genius. I’m eighteen years old and a junior in college. I took the SATs at age 14  and scored a 2140. I started taking college classes when I was a freshmen in high school. I had so many credits that I was able to graduate halfway through my junior year. I started here at Penn State when I was only sixteen and I got a 3.8 my first semester.

Many of you probably want to slap me right now. You’re probably wondering why I waited 70 blog posts to share this information. I’ll tell you why. Because when people find out something like that, they let it define their perception of me. I am so much more then just an intelligent person. And I am not a “freak”. I’ll tell you something. It was not easy growing up with the label gifted stamped on your forehead. It sucked. I spent all of my middle school years wishing I was average. I wanted to fit in, not blatantly stand out. No one wants to be friends with the girl who gets all As without trying. That’s why I got out as quickly as I could.

It’s been easier in college. I don’t have to tell people right away. Eventually, they do find out how old I am but by that time they’ve already accepted me as a person so it works out. I usually just say I graduated a year early. It doesn’t sound as weird. I know I have a gift and I should feel blessed. I do appreciate it. I know that it’s going to take me to the top of whatever I decide to do. It always has. There is so much pressure though. So much weight placed on your shoulders at such a young age. I scored in the 99.9th percentile of my IQ test at age 8. Once that happened, everyone expected I would be great one day. “Sam is going to be the president. Sam is going to cure cancer.” I have heard statements like that my entire life. That is a whole lot of expectations to live up to.

What I hate the most is the social ostracism. Most people just do not understand me. It’s made it really hard to make and keep friends. Especially when I want to just be myself. I can handle only having a few friends though. What I don’t want is to be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t feel compatible with very many people. I’m also intimidating. G doesn’t know my age. I’m afraid of telling him. I’m afraid of explaining how/why I got where I am. It has scared a lot of men away and kept them from even considering me. I can’t keep it a secret though. That’s even worse. I’m honestly just dying to find someone who understands me and the way my brain works. I don’t need a man as smart as I am. I just need a man that accepts how smart I am. Someone who understands that I’m always going to be just a little different and is okay with that. That’s all I really want.