Break. Shatter. Collapse.

Tonight on my way home from EMT lab, I took a shortcut across a field. The sky was pitch black. There were no stars, the clouds could not be seen. It is very cold, the temperature hovers around 20 degrees Fahrenheit. A huge gust of wind came, it chilled me to my very core. The ice penetrated deep inside me and I felt like I was being ripped apart. I stopped walking. The tears started flowing down my face. They froze there, and I looked up to the sky. The very essence of my being screamed to the powers that be, “Why are you doing this to me? Why does it hurt so much?” For some reason, that wind shattered whatever was holding my poor heart together. If you were near me, I’m almost positive you could feel pain radiating outwards from my body. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything like it. It hurt. It hurt so bad.

I know what heartache means. Your heart literally hurts. Nothing will alleviate it and it feels as if it will last forever. I don’t know how much I have left in me. It has been four months, that’s one third of a year. Four months since I spoke those final words to P. Yet it hurts now more then it ever did before. How am I supposed to make it through this? One person only has so much strength, so much determination. Mine is wearing thin. I’m bleeding out. My pulse is weak. Death is near. It is coming. But can a heart die? What happens when it does? Part of me fears this, that’s why I fight it so much. But some portion, a portion that is growing larger, wants to give up and let it happen. I’ve endured so much pain in my life, and I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m nearing my limit and I don’t know what comes next. I feel like I’ve been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m going to collapse.


5 thoughts on “Break. Shatter. Collapse.

  1. Life can be a bitch, it can be cold, hard, uncaring. That gust of wind that stopped you may have reminded you of that and the feelings that brought you too that place are real, but they are temporary.
    Don’t give fate or the stars or whatever the hell wokrs above us the satisfaction of knowing it got the best of you.
    The next time that cold wind blows, tighten up your jacket, buckle down and get to where you have to go.
    Keep on keepin on.

  2. I’ve had that moment before, the moment when you feel like you’ve hit the lowest you could hit. After a bad break up I stayed in bed crying for weeks. One day I got myself up to go to the restroom, but I must have stood up too quickly or something and I had been lying down so long that I felt weak. The blood didn’t get to my brain fast enough when I stood, I got tunnel vision, my legs gave out, and I felt this incredibly cold shudder go through my whole body and I almost fell down. It was weird but in that moment I felt the saddest I had ever felt in my life. It was only for 3 seconds but I just felt so emotionally and physically weak that I couldn’t imagine things getting better. I was completely drained. But know that it does get better. Sometimes it takes a year, like it did for me. Sometimes it takes multiple years. But eventually the ex doesn’t feel real anymore and becomes a vague memory.

    • Time heals all wounds, but it’s tough when each second feels like an eternity.
      Keep your head held high, smile as often as possible even if you have to force yourself and remind yourself that this shall pass.
      Wish there were more poignant words of wisdom I could impart :(.

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