Tonight on my way home from EMT lab, I took a shortcut across a field. The sky was pitch black. There were no stars, the clouds could not be seen. It is very cold, the temperature hovers around 20 degrees Fahrenheit. A huge gust of wind came, it chilled me to my very core. The ice penetrated deep inside me and I felt like I was being ripped apart. I stopped walking. The tears started flowing down my face. They froze there, and I looked up to the sky. The very essence of my being screamed to the powers that be, “Why are you doing this to me? Why does it hurt so much?” For some reason, that wind shattered whatever was holding my poor heart together. If you were near me, I’m almost positive you could feel pain radiating outwards from my body. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything like it. It hurt. It hurt so bad.
I know what heartache means. Your heart literally hurts. Nothing will alleviate it and it feels as if it will last forever. I don’t know how much I have left in me. It has been four months, that’s one third of a year. Four months since I spoke those final words to P. Yet it hurts now more then it ever did before. How am I supposed to make it through this? One person only has so much strength, so much determination. Mine is wearing thin. I’m bleeding out. My pulse is weak. Death is near. It is coming. But can a heart die? What happens when it does? Part of me fears this, that’s why I fight it so much. But some portion, a portion that is growing larger, wants to give up and let it happen. I’ve endured so much pain in my life, and I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m nearing my limit and I don’t know what comes next. I feel like I’ve been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m going to collapse.