I feel like I’m in an internal battle with myself. My mind keeps trying to suck me in, but I want to stay in the external world. I keep feeling like I’m going to cry all the time. I know that is the pain that I have buried inside my heart trying to emerge. I don’t want to let it out. If I let it out I won’t be able to function or live my life. For some reason it has become much more of a struggle in the past week. I think it is because I’m so busy and tired. I rarely ever get more then eight hours of sleep. There literally isn’t time in my days for more.
Currently, I’m in a car headed to William and Mary for a synchronized swimming meet. All the girls in the car are very excited. I am too, but I keep feeling this tug to withdraw inside myself. I’m trying to figure out why the pain is coming out. It seems to ebb an flow like the tide. One moment I’ll be perfectly fine and the next ill be drowning in it. Nothing triggers these emotions either. That is the really frustrating part. I like to feel in control, not like I’m barely holding on. I refuse to succumb to unhappiness though. There’s a lot of good in my life. I just have to keep fighting this battle and not give up. The hardest part is not knowing when it will end. My foe and his resources are unknown. I’m wearing thin and I don’t know how much longer I have to last. I can’t break though. I won’t. That means P will win. He can’t win.