Whenever I’m walking around campus I imagine running into P. I know it could easily happen; we both attend the same university after all. I think about what I would say or do. Of course, there would a be very strong urge to jump in a bush and hide. But I think I’d like to be an adult and just give him a polite nod. A wave would be much to friendly, however completely ignoring him seems childish. Sometimes I wish this moment would happen so I can just get it over with. I know it’s going to happen eventually.
One of my fears is him actually stopping and talking to me. I don’t know if I could handle it. I might just end up turning tail and running. I’d like to be brave, but I wonder if I have it in me. I think I could handle saying something like, “Please just leave me be.” I don’t want to be mean. There really isn’t any anger left in me that is directed at him. All I feel is sadness and hurt over what he did to me. For a while, I tried to hold onto the rage and fury that I felt when I thought about him. I’ve realized that isn’t doing me any good. I’m not ready to forgive though. I don’t know if that will ever happen.
However, my greatest fear right now is running into P while either of us has been drinking. P can get nasty and irrational with too much alcohol. I know he drinks a lot. He probably drinks a lot more now that we aren’t together. Before I left, I could see him spiraling out of control into alcoholism. I know that if I ran into him on a Friday or Saturday night it would be bad. That’s why I avoid going near his fraternity like the plague. The last thing I need is a brother seeing me and saying something to him. This all may sound like me being paranoid, but in this town it could very easily happen. I know it’s not just in my head, because my friends purposefully avoid that area when I’m with them as well.