The Light Inside Is Dying Out

I’m having one of those nights again. One of those nights when it feels like there is a rock in my throat and someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I’m getting progressively more lonely and it hurts like hell. I don’t know how to fill the vast, empty void inside myself. I spend a lot of time with my friends, but they can only help so much. They are capable of distracting me momentarily, but none of it helps me heal. I’m frustrated. I don’t want to feel like this. I’m turning numb from the inside out. The more I hurt, the more I shut down. I do this in hopes that I will survive. But is this permanent? How badly am I damaged? Am I going to be able to love again one day? It’s impossible to know how this is going to effect me long term, but I can feel it changing me. I’m getting colder. The warmth in my heart is retreating, going into hibernation. Will it awaken one day? I don’t know. It scares me.

I know why this is happening. I got a taste of what I’m missing, and now I’m craving it badly. Last night, we went to S’s boyfriend’s (Bryan) fraternity to hang out. It wasn’t a party. We were just playing games and drinking. I knew S was going to end up spending the night. A came along too so I figured I’d just walk home with her. Unfortunately, A got absolutely wasted and ended up passing out on a couch in one of the brothers’ room. Luckily, the guys at this fraternity are very nice. There was no worry of anyone hurting her. So it was 3 am, I was drunk and there was basically a blizzard going on outside. There was no way I was walking home by myself. I had been hanging out with a guy, we can call him C. He was very attractive and very nice. We were in his room and I was cold so he gave me one of his sweatshirts and put his arm around me. He offered to let me sleep in his bed. Of course, we were both drunk so stuff happened. But I got to sleep with a man’s arms wrapped around me and it felt good. I was comfortable and safe in my little dream world. However, it was all ripped away from me when A came in at 8:30 wanting to leave. C kissed me goodbye and let me keep the clothes of his that I was wearing.

I didn’t want to leave that. It’s not that I’m infatuated with C. I just really missed having someone hold me. The same thing happened when I left D, after spending that one night with him. I was starving for affection after that. Eventually, my mind did calm down and I was able to forget how much I needed it. But after last night, the starvation has been awoken once again. It hurts. I don’t want to be alone. I miss P. I miss love. I miss being in love. I miss hugs, kisses and cuddles. I wish it could have it all back. All of this coupled with memories of the abuse has me dying inside. When will this end?


5 thoughts on “The Light Inside Is Dying Out

  1. You are caught in a catch-22 and I empathize for you.

    You have to contradicting things happening.

    1. You need to heal from emotional abuse and rape.
    2. You need to alleviate feelings of loneliness and experience intimacy.

    Both are important. Unfortunately my fear for you is that as you try to alleviate the loneliness and you have experiences of physical intimacy you are triggering the unresolved and very painful memories of the abuse and rape. I can almost see this as developing into a cycle where one leads to the other and back again.

    I would suggest counselling from a female familiar with abuse and rape. I would suggest a period of physical abstinence (sex and cuddling) until a healing path can be established. I would suggest creative brainstorming of how to combat loneliness and feel connected with people without it being in the context of romance or sex until you are safe on a healing journey. I would suggest that you carve your own path of health and recognize that this may be far different than your roommates. I would suggest that you realize that the college party scene is not conducive to anything that will make you feel better and that you prioritize healing over fitting in and having a good time (which ends up not being a good time). Don’t increase the wound by adding layers of complex relationships, one night stands, or legitmate relationships which have no hope because you are broken at this point.

  2. cozyblanket gave you some very good advice. It’s easy to read it and not follow it, but every step you take towards recovering from your trauma puts you a step further away from the unhappiness you are experiencing now. I know.

  3. I dont know when, but itll end. I remember when bobby and i broke up, i felt the same way. I thought id be too damaged to really fall in love again. Over a year later, i fell in love again. I was still damaged but i loved the ex completely. And when he and i first broke up, i couldnt imagine doing it all again. But now i like jj. It gets easier. It may be hard for awhile, but then you move on. Try not to let yourself gdt affection if it takes you a step back. I kbow it feels good at the time, but it hurts you.

  4. It does get easier eventually.. it takes a long long time you will have moments when you just want to be held. But when you can get past that point and just feel comfortable enough to be alone.. I think then you’re ready again to fall in love with someone else.

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