I’m having one of those nights again. One of those nights when it feels like there is a rock in my throat and someone ripped my heart out of my chest. I’m getting progressively more lonely and it hurts like hell. I don’t know how to fill the vast, empty void inside myself. I spend a lot of time with my friends, but they can only help so much. They are capable of distracting me momentarily, but none of it helps me heal. I’m frustrated. I don’t want to feel like this. I’m turning numb from the inside out. The more I hurt, the more I shut down. I do this in hopes that I will survive. But is this permanent? How badly am I damaged? Am I going to be able to love again one day? It’s impossible to know how this is going to effect me long term, but I can feel it changing me. I’m getting colder. The warmth in my heart is retreating, going into hibernation. Will it awaken one day? I don’t know. It scares me.
I know why this is happening. I got a taste of what I’m missing, and now I’m craving it badly. Last night, we went to S’s boyfriend’s (Bryan) fraternity to hang out. It wasn’t a party. We were just playing games and drinking. I knew S was going to end up spending the night. A came along too so I figured I’d just walk home with her. Unfortunately, A got absolutely wasted and ended up passing out on a couch in one of the brothers’ room. Luckily, the guys at this fraternity are very nice. There was no worry of anyone hurting her. So it was 3 am, I was drunk and there was basically a blizzard going on outside. There was no way I was walking home by myself. I had been hanging out with a guy, we can call him C. He was very attractive and very nice. We were in his room and I was cold so he gave me one of his sweatshirts and put his arm around me. He offered to let me sleep in his bed. Of course, we were both drunk so stuff happened. But I got to sleep with a man’s arms wrapped around me and it felt good. I was comfortable and safe in my little dream world. However, it was all ripped away from me when A came in at 8:30 wanting to leave. C kissed me goodbye and let me keep the clothes of his that I was wearing.
I didn’t want to leave that. It’s not that I’m infatuated with C. I just really missed having someone hold me. The same thing happened when I left D, after spending that one night with him. I was starving for affection after that. Eventually, my mind did calm down and I was able to forget how much I needed it. But after last night, the starvation has been awoken once again. It hurts. I don’t want to be alone. I miss P. I miss love. I miss being in love. I miss hugs, kisses and cuddles. I wish it could have it all back. All of this coupled with memories of the abuse has me dying inside. When will this end?