I feel like a knife just plunged straight through my heart. I just want to curl up into a ball right now. I try very hard. I’m on my school’s Synchronized Swimming team and I’m the treasurer. We have an upcoming meet in Virginia, and I’ve been working really hard to get everything prepared for us to go. I was at practice until 10:30 last night, and I already had seven hours of classes starting at 10:00 am. Once I got home, I had to prepare for my four hour organic chemistry lab which started at 8:00 am today. The pre-lab work took me until 2:00 am. Needless to say, I’m exhausted after getting four hours of sleep last night.
I was feeling fairly good in lab though. I was getting all the procedures right, and my experiment was going quite smoothly. Then I got a notification on my phone. P’s mom had commented on my Facebook status… That in itself is just weird. I haven’t talked to him in four months and her in at least six. I know she doesn’t like me. My status was “there is nothing more enjoyable then o chem at 8am…” and she just said “liar”. Is that supposed to be some sort of message? A social networking call out? This woman is the type that is so in love with her son that she cannot see any fault in him. I know it wasn’t a friendly comment. I decided to write it off and do nothing about it. If it continues, I’ll have to come up with something. I just don’t know what. Sometimes I wonder how adults can be so immature…
The next bad event occurred about an hour later. I got a text from my brother. My parents’ marriage sucks. They never should have gotten married. They aren’t meant for each other. My dad also has really terrible back problems. He self medicates this with Vicodin, weed and alcohol. He was also in Vietnam, and I believe he still suffers from the stressors of that war. Anyways, my mom apparently came back from a four day trip to Vermont with my grandparents and he ignored her. She told my brother she feels unwelcome in our house and that she should just leave. This is what he texted me. So I had to call my mom and talk to her for about an hour about it. This is not the first time I have listened to her about their marriage. I have been doing it for over two years. I’m exhausted. I don’t want my parents to get divorced, but I’m tired of carrying the weight of their problems on my back. My mom unloads on me, my dad unloads on me and so does my brother. I’m the only person in the family that everyone can communicate with. She wants me to talk to my dad because she feels like he won’t listen to her. She also doesn’t have the guts to make any ultimatums or be firm in her decisions about anything. That’s why my dad doesn’t change. But why should I have to be the one to put a foot down? If she’s not happy and he won’t do something about it she should just leave. I honestly believe my father is beyond repair. It saddens me to say this, but his issues will probably only get worse. I do not want to have to watch my mother suffer through that with him. Especially, when he barely acknowledges her existence.
All of this is weighing on me. The desire for someone to talk to is growing ever stronger. I feel like I’m going to break. There’s no one to hug me and alleviate these frustrations. It makes me miss P more, and puts me further back in my recovery process. Today S IMed me and said, “I’m very proud of you, just so you know. You are very in control of everything.” I just want to scream. I’m not in control. I’m standing at the top of a cliff, just waiting for a gust of wind to send me plummeting downwards…or someone who can pull me back away from the edge.