Last night was terrible. Around midnight I started to feel sick so I got in bed early. Shortly after, the chills started. I was so cold I couldn’t sleep, and my whole body hurt so much I couldn’t move. At one point my fever was so bad I entered into a state of delirium. I thought I was trudging around campus in the snow. My jacket would not zip up so I couldn’t stay warm. I felt so lost and alone. I wanted to call someone to help me, but I didn’t have anyone. Eventually, I started to cry. After crying for a while I realized I wasn’t in the snow, but in my bed. However, I still felt incredibly alone. It was 5 am. I was sick as a dog. And I had absolutely no one to help me.
Today I am still suffering from whatever illness this is. I’ve barely gotten out of bed. All I can do is watch movies on my tiny television. I just finished Pride and Prejudice. What a beautiful story…a beautiful story that makes me feel like I’m going to be alone forever. I cannot imagine a man loving me as much as Darcy loves Elizabeth. It was almost sickening to watch. The movie definitely crushed a little bit of my positive outlook. Most girls watch love stories and get excited; I watch them and get depressed. I just feel as though that doesn’t exist. I certainly haven’t experienced it.
Perhaps I’m in such a pessimistic mood because I feel so shitty. I miss having someone a lot right now. For some reason I have a really hard time with being alone when I’m sick. It’s just nice to have someone who cares about you enough to take care of you. Right now the only person doing that for me is S. I guess I’m being really selfish, but I can’t help how I feel right now.