Loneliness Vs. Willpower

I’m not going to lie to myself. I am lonely. We have off school tomorrow, for Martin Luther King day and I have absolutely nothing to do right now. The plan was to go out with S, but she’s spending the night with Bryan. I’m perfectly okay with that, but it has left me with nowhere to go. A is here, but I’m letting her play my Xbox so she’s not very good company. I guess it’s times like these where I really wish I had some companionship.

I really struggle with this. I don’t think people realize how hard it is to not have someone around after being in a relationship for four years. There’s no one to hug, cuddle with or share intimacy. I really miss that. There’s safety and comfort in having a man to wrap his arms around you. I would like to say I’m strong enough to go without this. I wish I had the power not to yearn for somebody else. Most of the time, I am happy. I’m very busy and proud of all that I am accomplishing/going to accomplish. But I do have down time, and I cannot help but wish I had someone to share it with. It is so easy to feel alone in this world. Sometimes having a hand to hold can make all of the difference.

I’m sorry this is depressing, but I need to write about how I feel. I fear that my heart will never heal. It’s torn open and bleeding. It has been like that for a long time, even before I broke up with P. How long am I going to be broken? What if this never goes away? I ask myself these questions, but I have not been granted any answers. I have gotten very good at faking okay, but at times it’s exhausting. Part of me wants there to be someone who knows everything. Having someone to talk to that knew the whole story would probably be helpful.  I don’t think anyone in my life can handle that though. Actually, I know that would be a bad idea. If I was that honest, I’d end up with someone worrying about me all the time. The only person that could have potentially played that roll would be D. Unfortunately, he’s been more trouble then it’s worth and my trust for him has diminished greatly. Maybe someone will come along that can play that role. I have found that with patience, you get what you need in life. Sometimes it doesn’t come the way you expect it to. But it always gets better.



6 thoughts on “Loneliness Vs. Willpower

  1. I’m currently struggling with loneliness too. I had a breakdown just about 3 days ago because I’m really not happy at N.C. State, so I’m going to transfer back to my old college. I’m not popular, but I’ve always had a good number of people to keep my company. Not here, I’ve never experienced loneliness until now. Sure, it leaves me a good amount of time to think, but after you’ve processed through all of your thoughts, what do I have left? At my old college I had friends, a girlfriend, and all of that. It’s never comfortable to say you have truly nothing where you are. I’m glad I’m in the same boat as somebody else.

    • You’re definitely not alone. I feel the same way. You just know when something is missing. Transferring is probably a good idea if you think where you go to school is a source of your loneliness. This is definitely not a fun boat to be sailing, but it is good to know I’m not sailing it by myself.

  2. I get those lonely moments at times too. It is hard not having that constant person to lean on. I think with more time you start becoming more comfortable being by yourself. For the past few months since my break up I know I’ve tried to avoid alone time and pack my schedule.. but it becomes tiring after a while and alone time starts to sound appealing again.

  3. Sory for typos. On my phone. I know how you feel. Im laying in bed now thinking of the ex bc i was so comfortable with him. Going to bed without him became nearly impossible when we lived together and now ill never sleep with him again. I dont think i even miss HIM as much as i miss having that. I miss the hugs and just knowing somebody loves you in that way. I wonder if ill heal too. Not just from the broken heart, but everything else (which im sure is minimal compared to you). Being lobely is tough… I want to just be happy by myself as well, and while im happy, i dont feel fulfilled like i was before. Theres a constant emptiness. D was never worthy of knowing all of it. There will be somebody who is, and you may not marry that guy, but hell teach you something. Youre not alone in these thoughts… Trust me.

  4. Definately not alone. I find my hardest times are when something good happens and I want to share it or when something bad happens and you want someone to lean on and of course significant days. Just remember that loneliness is a state of mind not a state of being. And as someone who is recently single, I can say that with time, the loneliness, well mine hasn’t completely faded, but it has definately become less intense.

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