I’m not going to lie to myself. I am lonely. We have off school tomorrow, for Martin Luther King day and I have absolutely nothing to do right now. The plan was to go out with S, but she’s spending the night with Bryan. I’m perfectly okay with that, but it has left me with nowhere to go. A is here, but I’m letting her play my Xbox so she’s not very good company. I guess it’s times like these where I really wish I had some companionship.
I really struggle with this. I don’t think people realize how hard it is to not have someone around after being in a relationship for four years. There’s no one to hug, cuddle with or share intimacy. I really miss that. There’s safety and comfort in having a man to wrap his arms around you. I would like to say I’m strong enough to go without this. I wish I had the power not to yearn for somebody else. Most of the time, I am happy. I’m very busy and proud of all that I am accomplishing/going to accomplish. But I do have down time, and I cannot help but wish I had someone to share it with. It is so easy to feel alone in this world. Sometimes having a hand to hold can make all of the difference.
I’m sorry this is depressing, but I need to write about how I feel. I fear that my heart will never heal. It’s torn open and bleeding. It has been like that for a long time, even before I broke up with P. How long am I going to be broken? What if this never goes away? I ask myself these questions, but I have not been granted any answers. I have gotten very good at faking okay, but at times it’s exhausting. Part of me wants there to be someone who knows everything. Having someone to talk to that knew the whole story would probably be helpful. I don’t think anyone in my life can handle that though. Actually, I know that would be a bad idea. If I was that honest, I’d end up with someone worrying about me all the time. The only person that could have potentially played that roll would be D. Unfortunately, he’s been more trouble then it’s worth and my trust for him has diminished greatly. Maybe someone will come along that can play that role. I have found that with patience, you get what you need in life. Sometimes it doesn’t come the way you expect it to. But it always gets better.