D IMed me. I knew it would happen eventually. We talked for about an hour last night. We’re definitely playing a game, and I’m not sure I want to play it anymore. I went out last night, and got home around midnight. That was when we started talking. One of the first questions he asked me was if I started fooling around with someone else. I haven’t. Like I’ve said before I have no interest in complicating my life right now. He also wanted to know why I wasn’t dating someone else. As soon as he seemed satisfied that I had no other men in my life he told me about these two girls he had met. It seemed like he wanted my opinion on the matter, but he also kept insisting that he was only interested in one of them for sex. That doesn’t really bother me, what does bother me is how strange he’s been acting. I get the feeling he’s trying to test me to see how I feel about him with a lot of the questions he asks about me. I don’t like that. I definitely won’t be initiating conversation with him again anytime soon. I have a life here that I need to focus on without being distracted by him and his stupid game.
Maybe I’m a guilty party too. I have made D aware that guys are very interested in me. He is usually quite worried on Sundays, asking me lots of questions about what (or who) I did that weekend. I don’t necessarily want him to be jealous, but I do want him to know I’m not sitting around pining for him. These are psychological mindfuck games we play with each other. I think it’s pretty sadistic, but we all participate in some way. We try and push each other to a breaking point. Whoever breaks first will admit how they feel, put themselves in that vulnerable position no one wants to be in. They are, in some ways, the loser of the game. Their heart is on the table. The other person could very easily smash it to pieces, then turn around and walk out the door. In some ways I think being the loser is very brave. I’m never in that position and I probably never will be. Maybe in some ways that makes me the loser, but my protective instincts are too strong to allow me to lay my heart out like that.
It’s crazy. We fear the honest truth so much that we engage in this activity. This game that could potentially get so toxic that it destroys our relationship with that person forever. Because what happens when either person refuses to say how they feel? You end up with two very unhappy people. Eventually, they begin to associate their unhappiness with each other, ruining something that could have once been beautiful. I’ve already admitted that I’m fully guilty of taking part in this. Are you?