I’m completely exhausted. I got five hours of sleep and drove for three today. I’m back at school, but I still have yet to unpack all my stuff and move it to a new area of our room. I started to go through my possessions, sorting them and throwing out what I no longer needed. Of course, P is everywhere. I even found a love letter he wrote me in August of 2008, right before he left for his freshmen year of college. My soul is too exhausted to handle this right now. Reading it was like an old wound being reopened. My heart is definitely bleeding. The letter was written back way before it got bad. When we were in the “honeymoon phase”. Heres’ what it said:
My dearest S,
I’m writing this note probably about one hour after I said goodbye to you and I really want you to know that I already miss you. The reason I’m writing this is because as I was sorting through my things while packing up I stumbled across a small box of things that I had left over from when I dated Amanda. After reading the note that she gave to me after we split up I realized that you have very little to remember me by besides memories. I just need to send you something in writing that you can stash away so that two years from now, whether we are together or not, you can look back and read my words so that you remember just how much we love each other. No matter what happens, I have a small place saved just for you in my heart (It’s a two bedroom apartment with a great view of the aorta, painted orange J) but I hope we remain together for many, many years so that you can have all of my heart. I also apologize in advance for any stupidity that I wil probably engage in at college. No matter what it is, just remember that you are the only person I will let into my heart right now and I can not think of a single thing that could ever change that. And I know you don’t believe me but I can only tell you the truth and nothing more so as soon as you accept the fact that my love is 100% yours we can start living a life full of love and intimacy that neither of us has ever experienced.
Much love, hugs, kisses and affection –
Yeah…so I hope now you can understand why I loved him. He loved me too. Or at least he used to. As I’ve been moving, I keep finding more and more stuff that he gave me or had something to do with. It made me realize that no matter how hard we try to erase someone, they’ll never truly be gone. They leave their imprints on our lives, in the funniest places. I entered the password wrong today on my netbook. The message that popped up was “Password? What password?”. P wrote that. He’s set up every computer I’ve ever owned. On any normal day, this wouldn’t bother me. But I’m exhausted, and my hearts exhausted. It’s too much. He is everywhere and nowhere. His footprints are all over my life. They are old and sunk in deeply. I’ve been trying to cover them up with fresh soil of my own, but the rain of my sorrow keeps exposing them. I’ve tried to get rid of everything that reminds me of him. But after four years that’s nearly impossible. There is no escape…only sad acceptance of what once was and never will be again.