Imprints On Our Lives


I’m completely exhausted. I got five hours of sleep and drove for three today. I’m back at school, but I still have yet to unpack all my stuff and move it to a new area of our room. I started to go through my possessions, sorting them and throwing out what I no longer needed. Of course, P is everywhere. I even found a love letter he wrote me in August of 2008, right before he left for his freshmen year of college. My soul is too exhausted to handle this right now. Reading it was like an old wound being reopened. My heart is definitely bleeding. The letter was written back way before it got bad. When we were in the “honeymoon phase”. Heres’ what it said:

My dearest S,

I’m writing this note probably about one hour after I said goodbye to you and I really want you to know that I already miss you. The reason I’m writing this is because as I was sorting through my things while packing up I stumbled across a small box of things that I had left over from when I dated Amanda. After reading the note that she gave to me after we split up I realized that you have very little to remember me by besides memories. I just need to send you something in writing that you can stash away so that two years from now, whether we are together or not, you can look back and read my words so that you remember just how much we love each other. No matter what happens, I have a small place saved just for you in my heart (It’s a two bedroom apartment with a great view of the aorta, painted orange J) but I hope we remain together for many, many years so that you can have all of my heart. I also apologize in advance for any stupidity that I wil probably engage in at college. No matter what it is, just remember that you are the only person I will let into my heart right now and I can not think of a single thing that could ever change that. And I know you don’t believe me but I can only tell you the truth and nothing more so as soon as you accept the fact that my love is 100% yours we can start living a life full of love and intimacy that neither of us has ever experienced.

Much love, hugs, kisses and affection –

P

 

Yeah…so I hope now you can understand why I loved him. He loved me too. Or at least he used to. As I’ve been moving, I keep finding more and more stuff that he gave me or had something to do with. It made me realize that no matter how hard we try to erase someone, they’ll never truly be gone. They leave their imprints on our lives, in the funniest places. I entered the password wrong today on my netbook. The message that popped up was “Password? What password?”. P wrote that. He’s set up every computer I’ve ever owned. On any normal day, this wouldn’t bother me. But I’m exhausted, and my hearts exhausted. It’s too much. He is everywhere and nowhere. His footprints are all over my life. They are old and sunk in deeply. I’ve been trying to cover them up with fresh soil of my own, but the rain of my sorrow keeps exposing them. I’ve tried to get rid of everything that reminds me of him. But after four years that’s nearly impossible. There is no escape…only sad acceptance of what once was and never will be again.

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5 thoughts on “Imprints On Our Lives

  1. Ah, I understand. I still have the ex’s boxers sitting on my desk because I want to give them back, but I never see him. I have stashed away picture frames from when we lived together that I never got rid of “just in case.” But I want to keep them. I made Bobby two scrapbooks when we were together. I still have them (I got them back when we broke up) and I love looking at them. It’s important not to forget who taught you all your lessons. I just can’t wait till that sad acceptance turns into happy acceptance for me and for you. We’re getting there. Hopefully with you being back in school, you won’t think of him as much.

  2. I thought the letter you wrote the other day was good. But yet you seem to hang on to this P person, even after what you disclosed about the assault. I have been told that we all ‘clean our plates’ in different ways. Still, it sounds like you have an unhealthy attachment to this person. I am not judging, I have them with people in my own life.

    Some questions to consider might be:

    What does this reverie give to you emotionally? Is there some sense of peace in the sadness? Could you cope with cleaning all rememberances of him out of your life? What keeps you connected? Can you identify the point where you knew it was over? What is your definition of love, or your ideal hope for love, how are you betraying yourself with the feelings for P?

    I want to help you deal with this and find happiness. I feel that you are enmeshed with P. emotionally and in the way you identify yourself. You are not a slave to P., the emotions you feel aren’t necessarily valid. To move on in your life you have some challenging closure to find.

    Hugs

  3. I think at this point it’s mainly psychological. You can get rid of every letter and every physical thing he’s given you, but he’s still embedded in your mind, not necessarily in your heart. He wasn’t one of those random strangers that you talked to all for 5 minutes. He was a part of your life for several years, about 20% of your life, so the feelings you’re experiencing are quite normal. In the future, you should only acknowledge him as somebody who has hurt you and he doesn’t deserve a second chance with you. I shouldn’t exactly say it like that, but I’m glad you’re strong enough to accept the nature of these unfortunate events.

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