It took me all day, but I’m ready to write this. Here it goes.
I miss you. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. You were such a huge part of my life for four years. I miss the good times. You used to call me beautiful. Do you remember that? You used to say I was perfect. Can you remember that either? We used to go out to the field and look at the stars. I would lay in your lap and you would stare into my eyes. It was perfect. So why? Why did you have to constantly push me to my limit? Was it a test? What did you want from me? I don’t understand.
I’m so angry at you. You broke me. You saw me for what I was. A weak teenage girl that was madly in love with you. You used it against me. Used me to fulfill your sick, twisted fantasies. Did you ever actually love me? Or did you just keep me around because I loved you? I question whether you will ever be capable of loving anyone but yourself. Four months ago you told me you didn’t love me anymore and broke up with me. You acted like you didn’t care whether I lived or died. I bawled, and you got angry at me for crying. Tell me then, why do I still love you?
The last words I spoke to you were, “Do me a favor and stay the fuck out of my life.” After that, I slammed your car door and walked away. I know you thought I’d cave. I know you thought I’d come back to you. I haven’t. I’ve been strong. I stand by those words. My life is better off without you. I know you won’t listen though. You never listen to me. You’re going to contact me. I dread that day. I dread that day because I don’t trust myself. You know me better then anyone else. You know how to get under my skin. You can make me do whatever you want. I only pray that I’ll have the strength to see through you. I didn’t the last time we broke up. I paid for that dearly.
I’m a different person now. The more time I spend without you, the stronger I become. I’ve grown. I’ve grown more in the past three months without you then I have in the past four years. It’s like you stalled my life. You always got angry at me for not having my own life. But whenever I tried to have one, you made me feel guilty and you made me pay. You would not have been happy with me until I completely submitted everything to your control. Sure you wanted me to have my own life. But you wanted control of who my friends were, where I went, what I studied, what my career would be and where I lived. Why should I have given everything to you just to make you stay?
All I want is to heal, to forget about you. I want to find someone better then you to prove to me that the world is not an evil place. Someone to shine a light into all of this darkness. I have faith that he’s out there somewhere and once I find him you won’t matter anymore. I don’t wish you any ill will, even now. I just want to get to a place where you’re a distant memory. So this is it, my final goodbye. The last words I’ll ever write that will be directed at you. I may still write about you, but that’s for my benefit and not yours. There will be no more letters, no more drafted emails, no more typed and then deleted text messages. It’s all over. Forever. I feel at peace now. It’s time to move forward.