For those of you who appreciate my optimistic “this hurts but I’m going to be okay” posts, you probably won’t enjoy this one. Because right now I’m falling the fuck apart. I feel like the hole in my heart is just going to swallow me. Or this intense pain is going to crush me like a giant bolder. I’m hanging onto the edge of a pit of darkness right now, trying desperately not to succumb. I’m holding on so tight, but my grip is slipping. Just praying someone will take my hand, and pull me up, but right now it seems as though everyone’s turned their backs and abandoned me.
D certainly has thrown in the towel. I guess he got what he wanted, and now I’m not worth his time. He was online all day and didn’t talk to me. Something that would not have happened before we saw each other and I slept with him. A, who I thought was one of my best friends, hasn’t answered my texts in over a week. She’s from Idaho so she’s there right now. Apparently, I’m not worth her time anymore. S isn’t capable of supporting anyone through anything serious. Not to mention, I couldn’t trust her with any information about my struggles unless I wanted everyone to know. Then my mom, who can clearly see that I’m hurting, decides to yell at me for seeing D instead of being supportive. Thank you mom. I know it was a fucking mistake. Please remind me. That will help. It’s like she wants to teach me a lesson. I’m pretty sure life has already taught the lesson. Not that she would know anything about heartbreak. My mom has never had her heart broken by a man (yeah I know, amazing). So how she thinks she can tell me I’m “not allowed to be depressed” is beyond me.
So now I turn to this blog, because it’s the only freaking thing I have. I feel more supported by anonymous readers then I do by the people in my own life. I’m blasting instrumental rock into my ears, wavering between going into an angry rage and breaking down and bawling. Neither of those is an option though. I’ve got these lovely internship applications to finish. It’s funny how even when you’re falling apart life rolls on without you. Don’t worry about me though. I’ll be fine. Well, I guess that depends on your definition of fine. I’m probably just going to sink further into numbness. Feels like the only way I can protect myself anymore.
Funny thing is when I hurt this much the desire to contact P comes back. I know this is a deplorable, disgusting idea. It’s not going to happen. But the desire is there, itching at the back of my mind. My mind which is craving the rock I used to lean on. Even though the rock was more like the Whomping Willow from Harry Potter. He was a support system, in a demented and twisted way. The sad thing is I’m pretty sure he would come if I called too. He’s only five minutes away. I won’t give in though. It’s just like I said earlier. I have to stand strongly on my own two feet. No matter how hard that might seem right now…