Utterly Empty, Hopelessly Alone

For those of you who appreciate my optimistic “this hurts but I’m going to be okay” posts, you probably won’t enjoy this one. Because right now I’m falling the fuck apart. I feel like the hole in my heart is just going to swallow me. Or this intense pain is going to crush me like a giant bolder. I’m hanging onto the edge of a pit of darkness right now, trying desperately not to succumb. I’m holding on so tight, but my grip is slipping. Just praying someone will take my hand, and pull me up,  but right now it seems as though everyone’s turned their backs and abandoned me.

D certainly has thrown in the towel. I guess he got what he wanted, and now I’m not worth his time. He was online all day and didn’t talk to me. Something that would not have happened before we saw each other and I slept with him. A, who I thought was one of my best friends, hasn’t answered my texts in over a week. She’s from Idaho so she’s there right now. Apparently, I’m not worth her time anymore. S isn’t capable of supporting anyone through anything serious. Not to mention, I couldn’t trust her with any information about my struggles unless I wanted everyone to know. Then my mom, who can clearly see that I’m hurting, decides to yell at me for seeing D instead of being supportive. Thank you mom. I know it was a fucking mistake. Please remind me. That will help. It’s like she wants to teach me a lesson. I’m pretty sure life has already taught the lesson. Not that she would know anything about heartbreak. My mom has never had her heart broken by a man (yeah I know, amazing). So how she thinks she can tell me I’m “not allowed to be depressed” is beyond me.

So now I turn to this blog, because it’s the only freaking thing I have. I feel more supported by anonymous readers then I do by the people in my own life. I’m blasting instrumental rock into my ears, wavering between going into an angry rage and breaking down and bawling. Neither of those is an option though. I’ve got these lovely internship applications to finish. It’s funny how even when you’re falling apart life rolls on without you. Don’t worry about me though. I’ll be fine. Well, I guess that depends on your definition of fine. I’m probably just going to sink further into numbness. Feels like the only way I can protect myself anymore.

Funny thing is when I hurt this much the desire to contact P comes back. I know this is a deplorable, disgusting idea. It’s not going to happen. But the desire is there, itching at the back of my mind. My mind which is craving the rock I used to lean on. Even though the rock was more like the Whomping Willow from Harry Potter. He was a support system, in a demented and twisted way. The sad thing is I’m pretty sure he would come if I called too. He’s only five minutes away. I won’t give in though. It’s just like I said earlier. I have to stand strongly on my own two feet. No matter how hard that might seem right now…


13 thoughts on “Utterly Empty, Hopelessly Alone

  1. Pardon my french but D’s a dick. You just haven’t found the real man. I feel sorry for you. I’ve had bad relationships myself. I was once a moron to a guy. After that, in every relationships I had, I would try to imagine myself living with the guy. Would I be happy. Can I accept his weaknesses. Can he make me feel loved and happy. If not, I dump him. Sounds cruel and I may act like a bitch but sometimes you can’t reveal their true colours unless when they feel like they own you and that you would never leave them. of course chances will be given. And the breaking-up will be painful. But you can’t risk your own happiness by being weak and succumb to the situation. I have my own dark past as well. Believe me, the feeling is as if you’ve killed someone. There have been many nights where I sleep on a wet pillow. But I moved on from the past. Not just from the guys who have been in my life. Because I don’t want to waste time feeling bad over what has been done. Life is more than that. I’m an optimist, and also a realist. So maybe that’s why I move on easier than others. But I really want you to be happy too. I want you to move on. To accept others. I know this is a crappy advice. But I just want you to know that you don’t deserve to be like this.

    • No…it’s not crappy advice. I really appreciate it. Just the fact that you bothered to comment means a lot. You’re right. I do just need to accept the facts and move on.

  2. I know what it feels like to hit that low point where you feel utterly alone and heartbroken. My mom’s the same way. She’s more likely to say ” I told you so” than anything comforting. She was upset at me for being depressed over a guy before. And, like your mom, she’s never had her heart broken. She married the only guy she’s ever dated. But I guess it was just a different time back then.

    Blogging about it really does help… it’s comforting to have all these random strangers on the internet share stories about having the same experiences you do. I know my blog has definitely helped me let out some of my anger towards my ex. Keep writing, There are a lot of people going through the same thing right now to lend you support.

  3. When a heartbreak has you down, I don’t think any friends can be enough. I have awesome friends who would drop anything if I said I really needed them. But if I feel depressed, I don’t want to bother them and I also feel like they wouldn’t come running. I know how you feel. Like I said, reading this is like reading something I’ve written. This is what heartbreak is all about. When I hurt the most about the ex, he’s always the one I want. He was my best friend for 3 years. P was yours. It’s only natural to want him to comfort you. I was having a crazy day at work and thought, “I can’t wait to get off work and call the ex about this” and I immediately realized I can’t do that. It hurt a little for a second and then I moved past it. It sucks. It’s horrible. But it gets easier. And your next breakup will probably hurt more, but you’ll know how to handle it. Props to you for not calling P when you’re down. You’re a strong woman. You’ll be okay 🙂

  4. Heartbreak is uncontrollable and you can’t force it to go away. If we could control our emotions they wouldn’t be called feelings, they’d be called logics. The only thing I’ve learned from my heartbreaks is to just feel the feelings and let them be. Rage, cry, get on with things, be numb, say you’re fine, say you’re not fine, hate everyone, want to weep on someone’s shoulder on the bus because they smiled at you… but just accept it. Eventually it will lessen.

    I like the way you said “falling the fuck apart”. I know the feeling.

  5. The strength to move forward lies in the ability to find your indentity and be excited about who you find. The one worth seeking is You.

    No P or Jerk or Crappy Friend or Emotionally Unavailable Mom could ever understand, let them go.

  6. Definitely been there. It’s hard, everything hurts, for me it’s mostly my self-esteem, the feeling of not being good enough. Stay strong girl. We’re here for you 🙂

  7. Funny thing I came across in my search to understand myself and women and people in general, there’s a part of your brain that processes both physical and emotional pain in the same way. That’s why when you break up with someone you’re EMOTIONALLY attached to HURTS LIKE HELL.

    I remember going through three years of hell with the girl before I discovered the PUA community (and trust me I have SERIOUS issues with a lot of what’s taught and strive to teach my students how to be NORMAL guys), at times I would literally be crouched in a ball on my bed because it hurt so much and felt like it was the end of the world.

    Your mom doesn’t get it, just like my parents never did either. They won’t so a great psychology move is to just agree with them. It gives them nowhere to go. “Your grades suck,” “Yeah Dad, you’re right I don’t study enough and if I don’t I’ll never get into a grad school and have a good job,” “Uhhhh………right, so you need to study!” “Yeah, I’m going to study and get better grades.”

    I won’t blow sunshine up your ass, breaking up sucks. But it’s a good time to be selfish right now and do exactly what you want to do.

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