I’m getting more and more angry at D. He’s back online where we usually chat, currently away playing Skyrim (a video game) but back online. I use Gchat so his name stares at me every time I check my email (which I’ve been doing a lot thanks to you lovely readers). The desire to click it and give him an earful is getting stronger and stronger. I find this happens a lot with me. First it hurts….then I’m pissed. Thankfully, age and maturity have helped me get somewhat of a handle on my passionate emotions. I’m going to write a blog post, and continue to not say anything. At this point in time I feel that is the safest course of action. Also, to everyone out there who’s been giving me advice. Please keep doing it. Even if I don’t listen I swear I consider every option presented to me. You all have been giving me a lot more perspective which I thoroughly appreciate.
Last night a seemingly menial task got me seriously thinking about the way we live our lives. My brother has recently gotten contacts. However, he has not succeeded in putting them in yet. Last night, I held the mirror for him. I watched over and over as he got the contact close to his eye and then blinked, ruining his chances of getting it in. This went on for an hour before he finally gave up. What he needs is that leap of faith, that extra push to finally achieve success. I think a lot of us are like that. We’re afraid to take the leap of faith. We don’t want it to hurt. We don’t want to fail. But by not taking it, we are already failing. We get caught in a never ending cycle, until something outside of our power breaks it. I’m not saying everyone is like this. But a lot of us are. I’m guilty as charged with D. I’ve been doing a lot of blinking, waiting for him to put the contact in for me. I don’t think I’m ready to put it in myself though. The events that transpired with P have left me very fearful. Fear of rejection, failure, not being loved, etc. I’m not ready to take a leap of faith right now. To take one, you have to be prepared to fall. I can’t fall right now. I won’t survive. That’s the sad truth. Day by day I’m getting stronger. I’m not strong enough yet though.
Maybe I’m making some big mistakes by playing it safe. Who knows? But I want to get to a point in my life where I can stand strongly on my own two feet. Right now I wouldn’t allow anyone in who I thought might jeopardize that goal. That’s more important to me then finding love. I’m a firm believer in the fact that you can’t have a healthy relationship with someone else until you have a healthy relationship with yourself. I certainly like myself a lot more then I used to. But part of P’s power was his ability to tear down any ounce of self esteem I had. Once I had none, I had to rely on him. He knew that. He used it against me. Now that he’s out of my life I’m getting it back. However, like I’ve said before, it’s going to take time. And it’s going to take commitment. I could wallow in misery about how I’m ugly, dumb, naive, immature, etc. and that’s why D is acting the way he is. Or I could tell myself that it really has nothing to do with me. He’s the one that’s confused. I sincerely believe that.