I thought things couldn’t get worse after last night, but life always seems to prove me wrong. My outlook was sunk deeper into the dirt today. Exercise, more specifically synchronized swimming, has been the one way for me to get away from this pain. When I’m feeling down, it always helps to get in the pool and focus on the movement of my body in the water. Today, that got taken away from me as well.
I have a heart condition, more specifically a cardiac arrhythmia. Cardiac arrhythmia is basically means irregular heart rhythm. More specifically, mine is tachycardia which is when your heart rhythm speeds up. I’ve had this issue since seventh grade. Previously, it wasn’t severe. When I had a palpitation, my heart would speed up to about 140 bpm and skip beats occasionally. This isn’t an ideal situation, but it is also not life threatening. I used to take medication to help control it, but the medication brought my resting heart rate down to around 34 bpm which is dangerous as well so I stopped taking it. Recently, I’ve been having the worst palpitations of my life. Sunday I was pulled out of the pool with a pulse of 200 bpm. I had tunnel vision, my entire body was tingling and I was gasping for air. I’ve had about four of these episodes in the past month. I went to my primary care physician today about this. She ordered no activity that would increase my heart rate at all until we figure this out. I’m also not allowed to drive a car. I’m seeing a new cardiologist on Thursday. Hopefully, they will be able to provide some answers or at least something that will help me control this.
I don’t know what I’m going to do without synchro. I basically had another breakdown in the shower tonight because I’m just so frustrated. The doctor acted like I was being melodramatic for getting so upset about it. I guess no one can really understand how much of a lifesaver it is for me. I’m not going to disobey the doctors orders and swim. I thought about it, but if I pass out in the pool I’ll probably die. I’m not willing to risk it. Thus, I am feeling very low. I’m considering going home this weekend just to get away from everything that is stressing me out.
This is the definition of being kicked when your down. I don’t like to whine on my blog, and I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of that lately, but I’m not seeing much light right now. I’m in the middle of the tunnel, it’s pitch black and I can’t see anything. There is no dim glow coming from the end yet. I’m blind. I suppose this is when you find out what kind of stuff you’re made of. I’m a fighter. I’m not going to sit down and quit. Though I fear there is no light, there is no end, that this will go on forever. I don’t want to be stuck in a constant cycle of being pushed to the ground, then I stand back up only to have my face shoved into the dirt once more. Oh well, they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?