From Bad to Worse

I thought things couldn’t get worse after last night, but life always seems to prove me wrong. My outlook was sunk deeper into the dirt today. Exercise, more specifically synchronized swimming, has been the one way for me to get away from this pain. When I’m feeling down, it always helps to get in the pool and focus on the movement of my body in the water. Today, that got taken away from me as well.

I have a heart condition, more specifically a cardiac arrhythmia. Cardiac arrhythmia is basically means irregular heart rhythm. More specifically, mine is tachycardia which is when your heart rhythm speeds up. I’ve had this issue since seventh grade. Previously, it wasn’t severe. When I had a palpitation, my heart would speed up to about 140 bpm and skip beats occasionally. This isn’t an ideal situation, but it is also not life threatening. I used to take medication to help control it, but the medication brought my resting heart rate down to around 34 bpm which is dangerous as well so I stopped taking it. Recently, I’ve been having the worst palpitations of my life. Sunday I was pulled out of the pool with a pulse of 200 bpm. I had tunnel vision, my entire body was tingling and I was gasping for air. I’ve had about four of these episodes in the past month. I went to my primary care physician today about this. She ordered no activity that would increase my heart rate at all until we figure this out. I’m also not allowed to drive a car. I’m seeing a new cardiologist on Thursday. Hopefully, they will be able to provide some answers or at least something that will help me control this.

I don’t know what I’m going to do without synchro. I basically had another breakdown in the shower tonight because I’m just so frustrated. The doctor acted like I was being melodramatic for getting so upset about it. I guess no one can really understand how much of a lifesaver it is for me. I’m not going to disobey the doctors orders and swim. I thought about it, but if I pass out in the pool I’ll probably die. I’m not willing to risk it. Thus, I am feeling very low. I’m considering going home this weekend just to get away from everything that is stressing me out.

This is the definition of being kicked when your down. I don’t like to whine on my blog, and I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of that lately, but I’m not seeing much light right now. I’m in the middle of the tunnel, it’s pitch black and I can’t see anything. There is no dim glow coming from the end yet. I’m blind. I suppose this is when you find out what kind of stuff you’re made of. I’m a fighter. I’m not going to sit down and quit. Though I fear there is no light, there is no end, that this will go on forever. I don’t want to be stuck in a constant cycle of being pushed to the ground, then I stand back up only to have my face shoved into the dirt once more. Oh well, they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

Break. Shatter. Collapse.

Tonight on my way home from EMT lab, I took a shortcut across a field. The sky was pitch black. There were no stars, the clouds could not be seen. It is very cold, the temperature hovers around 20 degrees¬†Fahrenheit. A huge gust of wind came, it chilled me to my very core. The ice penetrated deep inside me and I felt like I was being ripped apart. I stopped walking. The tears started flowing down my face. They froze there, and I looked up to the sky. The very essence of my being screamed to the powers that be, “Why are you doing this to me? Why does it hurt so much?” For some reason, that wind shattered whatever was holding my poor heart together. If you were near me, I’m almost positive you could feel pain radiating outwards from my body. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything like it. It hurt. It hurt so bad.

I know what heartache means. Your heart literally hurts. Nothing will alleviate it and it feels as if it will last forever. I don’t know how much I have left in me. It has been four months, that’s one third of a year. Four months since I spoke those final words to P. Yet it hurts now more then it ever did before. How am I supposed to make it through this? One person only has so much strength, so much determination. Mine is wearing thin. I’m bleeding out. My pulse is weak. Death is near. It is coming. But can a heart die? What happens when it does? Part of me fears this, that’s why I fight it so much. But some portion, a portion that is growing larger, wants to give up and let it happen. I’ve endured so much pain in my life, and I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m nearing my limit and I don’t know what comes next. I feel like I’ve been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m going to collapse.

The Maturity Of Emotion

I love the South. Everywhere we go people are so friendly. They welcome us like family and some have even given their condolences. It makes me happy to see how much other people love our school. I feel like I could live here one day, either the south or the Midwest. It’s definitely a very different atmosphere then the northeast. People are just colder there. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the weather.

It’s been a very long day. Currently, we are heading on I-95 towards George Mason. What a lovely road. I drove the last two hours of our journey last night on it. It was late and everyone else was sleeping. I’m the night driver. Partially because I have good vision and also because I have the stamina for it. I was thinking about a comment my teammate made. She said I was “so much older then her.” Its funny, because she is actually three months older than me. I wasn’t sure what she was referring to. She doesn’t know anything about P.

I get comments like that a lot. I wonder what makes a person older then their years. I do feel more mature then a lot of my peers. However, I feel that way because I have been through more trauma then the majority of those my age. Also, sometimes it seems as if my emotions won’t cooperate with my brain. The intelligent, thoughtful part of me knows how to act mature, but I still can’t control my emotions. They push against me a lot and it’s very frustrating. I think my emotional age needs to catch up to my mental age.

I can function at a very high level when my brain is at its best. Lately, I feel like the hurt I feel inside has been clouding everything. I’m getting upset a lot more easily and causing conflict. I’m very unstable. The curse of it all is that I am extremely aware of how unstable my emotions are. I just have not gained the ability to control myself. I’m trying very hard but I feel like its going to take time.

Internal Tug Of War

I feel like I’m in an internal battle with myself. My mind keeps trying to suck me in, but I want to stay in the external world. I keep feeling like I’m going to cry all the time. I know that is the pain that I have buried inside my heart trying to emerge. I don’t want to let it out. If I let it out I won’t be able to function or live my life. For some reason it has become much more of a struggle in the past week. I think it is because I’m so busy and tired. I rarely ever get more then eight hours of sleep. There literally isn’t time in my days for more.

Currently, I’m in a car headed to William and Mary for a synchronized swimming meet. All the girls in the car are very excited. I am too, but I keep feeling this tug to withdraw inside myself. I’m trying to figure out why the pain is coming out. It seems to ebb an flow like the tide. One moment I’ll be perfectly fine and the next ill be drowning in it. Nothing triggers these emotions either. That is the really frustrating part. I like to feel in control, not like I’m barely holding on. I refuse to succumb to unhappiness though. There’s a lot of good in my life. I just have to keep fighting this battle and not give up. The hardest part is not knowing when it will end. My foe and his resources are unknown. I’m wearing thin and I don’t know how much longer I have to last. I can’t break though. I won’t. That means P will win. He can’t win.

A Fun Experiment For My Readers

I have reached 100 followers! I’m so happy and grateful to all of you. This blog has really helped me through some tough times. When you factor in the comments, likes and emails I feel like I have a great support system. One of my blogging friends, A Living Oddity, came up with this idea and I thought it was fun so I’m going to play along too. Also, I implore you all to go check out his blog because he has some great writing. Basically, I’d like to know more about my readers. I’m going to ask some questions and I’d be so thrilled if you could answer them in the comment box. You don’t have to be a follower to play along. I’m curious about anyone who stumbles upon my blog. I promise I’ll leave you a reply :).

Here goes:

  1. What’s your name? (If you don’t want to share your real name your username is fine)
  2. How old are you?
  3. What’s your occupation/what do you want to be your future occupation?
  4. Favorite color?
  5. Favorite sports team?
  6. The most interesting thing about you.
  7. Are you a dog or a cat person?
  8. What was your first impression of my blog?
  9. What’s one question you’d like to ask me?
  10. How do you feel about your life right now?

Feel free to leave me as long of a reply as you want. I really enjoy reading whatever you guys have to say. I look forward to your comments!

The Feelings Of Thousands

Have you ever been able to feel the emotion of an entire crowd? I have. Nothing can compare to the feelings of raw pain I have experienced with my peers these past few days. I don’t think anyone who doesn’t live here can truly understand this loss. It started Sunday evening at the candle light vigil for Joe Paterno. We stood in the snow outside Old Main. We listened to those who love him speak about the great things he did for our university. Then all was silent and the Blue Band began to play “Amazing Grace”. It was a moment I will never forget. I’ve included a few powerful photographs. I happened to be standing in a media hot spot (completely not intentional) and I ended up in a few newspapers. I’m sharing them with you because I feel that they can more accurately portray how we felt. I’m not embarrassed to post a photo of myself crying, because a picture is worth one thousand words. And no matter how many words you gave me I could not describe the emotion seen in these images.

Today I again experienced a period of time where I knew everyone around me was feeling the same thing. Joe’s funeral procession drove through campus at 4 pm this afternoon. My instructor for my EMT class let us stand outside and watch. Everyone was talking and laughing while we waited, but as soon as the motorcade began to pass by it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. It was almost as if we were in a state of shock. When his hearse passed we knew it was really. We would never see or hear from Joe Paterno again. Some of you may think that writing about him twice is overkill, but I don’t agree with you. He was one the most important person to ever touch the university I call home. He deserves more then this. I only wish I could do him justice.

Life In A College Lecture Hall

I’m in physics class right now. I should probably pay attention since this is my worst class, but I really can’t concentrate. Clearly the remedy to this issue is to blog. I’m going to tell you what I see so you can get an idea of what it’s like to sit in a lecture at my school.

1. This lecture hall is huge and old. There’s probably 300 people in here.

2. Only three quarters of these college kids are actually paying attention

3. The girl sitting in front of me was in my lab group last semester. You always see someone you know.

4. My professor is fat, wears glasses and is nerdy looking. Can we get anymore stereotypically physics?

5. He also can’t draw anything. That fish looks like a blob.

6. Someone just rolled in late. They have to sit on the stairs.

7. The person behind me is probably reading this.

8. These desks don’t allow for personal space. This girl needs to get her arm away from my notebook.

9. Everyone around me was talking about Joe Paterno before class started. Some of them still are.

10. The fire extinguisher looks about 500 years old. Hopefully nothing ever gets set on fire.

11. This room looks like it was probably decorated by my physics professor

12. Why does 50 minutes feel like 2 hours?

13. After this I have EMT lecture. That class makes 2 hours feel like 50 minutes.

14. It’s 1:50. Halfway done!

15. There’s some frat boys 3 rows in front of me. They look thoroughly confused. I’m proud of them for showing up.

16. If you lose something in here make sure you call Randy Penn. Whoever that is…

17. Words cannot describe how boring this is

18. He just turned the lights out for a demo. Nap time.

19. There’s a girl with a bright orange hoodie. I’m jealous.

20. I have retained nothing on lenses.

Okay, I’m done. I promise not all of my classes suck this much. I do usually pay attention which is why I’ve never done this before an probably won’t do it again for a whole. It’s just an exceptionally boring day in the life of a bio major. I hope you enjoyed. I’ll write a real post later tonight.