What Am I To You? (And an aside on coping mechanisms)

No word from D in 3 days. He hasn’t been online where we usually IM. He hasn’t texted me. I know he went back to school on Thursday, back to his ex-girlfriend who he still sees. That’s probably why I haven’t heard from him. That hurts though. It’s like he’s withdrawing from the great night we had together. He’ll be back though. This isn’t over. I have no doubt about that. But how long do I have to wait? How long should I let him string me along? I don’t want to add more pain to the enormous heap of hurt I’m already trying to deal with. All I want is some transparency. Our relationship is mysterious, a grey area. There is no black and white anywhere. I just want to know how he feels about me. Though I fear asking the question, because I fear the answer. Not to mention there’s a large chance he would still conceal his feelings even if I asked. So what can I do, but sit here and wait? It certainly is frustrating. My take charge, get it done, solve the problem personality revolts against sitting idol and waiting for something to happen.

I certainly have been very idol. I think that’s why my brain’s getting so wrapped up in all this. I’m on Winter Break from school right now, so I have no classwork to worry about. Not to mention, I’ve been feeling ill lately so I haven’t been able to work out or run like I normally do. If you are ever stressed about anything, I highly recommend exercise. It releases endorphins that make you feel happy. Not to mention if you work your body to physical exhaustion, you won’t be able to worry about anything else. It’s been one of my best coping methods. Physical pain is definitely preferable to emotional pain in my opinion. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t exercise to the point of injury. But when I work out, I go hard and it’s very effective. I need to start feeling better so I can do it again. I have a feeling I’ll be much more relaxed about everything that’s going on with D.


4 thoughts on “What Am I To You? (And an aside on coping mechanisms)

  1. I haven’t been to the point of really liking somebody since my most recent ex, but after my last long relationship, I remember the first guy I actually really liked. He was in my A&P class and we saw each other at a bar and he came home with me. Nothing happened and we hung out a few more times. Then I took him out and paid for a date and we went home and had sex… He really never talked to me after. I think that first person after a long relationship that you get involved in is such a big thing… You want so badly for something to work out after you were hurt. But really, if he’s still involved with his ex, he’s not valuing you for what you’re worth. He has a chance to make it happen if he wants, and I regret ever letting myself be second in my last relationship. Everybody deserves somebody that will do anything to be with you.

    • Thanks, I really appreciate the advice. I know what you mean. This wasn’t the first time we’ve had sex though. We used to be really involved about a year and a half ago. Our relationship had everything but the title. The other night was the first time we could see each other because he just broke up with his girlfriend. It’s a complicated situation. But I’m glad you commented. It’s nice to hear outside perspective.

  2. If I were you, I would tell him all of my insecurities. Ask him about his expectations from the relationship. Because I hate to be left hanging. I would just get it over with. If he wants to get serious, tell him how you want it to be and ask him how he wants it to be..take it slowly. If he is still unsure, go find some one else. If he really loves you he’ll look for you. And if it’s a one-sided, then at least you know that you’re not going to waste your time anymore on that one person. You can finally be over with it and it will probably make it easier for you to accept others. I know it will be painful, but if it’s not meant to be then it’s not meant to be. Don’t hurt yourself more by not moving on. Learn to be happy with whatever you have and learn to accept others. Know what you really want and stick to it.
    I’m 2 hours away from my boyfriend but that didn’t stop me from seeing him almost every week. Plus why do Skype even exist?
    We love, we get heart-broken, we move on and we love again. I know this may sound cliche but I think it’s true; you have to meet a lot of mr wrong before you could finally meet your mr right. But let’s just hope that D is your mr right 🙂
    Be strong, good luck with your study and with D..

  3. I think I should listen to everything before commenting any further. I have a ceremony at home 2mrw. I have heard you till here but don’t mind only a suggestion… Be slow, nice and steady. Till here I found you a jumper, you grab whatever comes in your way. Slow down. Since I don’t know what P did I won’t comment on him but If you truly loved him even for a moment don’t let yourself fall in any way. AND LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST. LOVE is to be felt, making love with D won’t really let you feel it if IT’s for P…

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