There Are Broken Hearts Everywhere You Look

It seems to be a two post kind of night. I’ve been perusing WordPress. I enjoy blogging, but I also enjoy reading other peoples’ blogs. One thing I’ve realized is that there are a whole lot of broken hearted writers are on here. It seems to be a very common coping mechanism. I read these posts, and I do yearn to help these people feel better. To let them know that they aren’t alone. I feel the same way. I’m doing the same thing.

I realized that I haven’t written much about P. My musings have been mostly centered around D so far. P is hard to think about, let alone write about. We haven’t spoken in three months, but he’s still on my mind all the time. I’m so angry and very hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I’m ever going to heal, if I’ll ever stop hurting. I feel like that’s not going to happen until I fall in love again. They say it takes you half the amount of time you were with someone to get over them. Does that mean I have two years to wait? That feels much too long to me. But at the same time it hasn’t gotten much better in three months. I don’t cry anymore. I honestly don’t think I’m capable of shedding more than a few tears over anything anymore. My heart just aches. It literally hurts. I get a giant lump in my throat like I’m going to cry, but I don’t. I just lay in bed at night in this state.

My life has been frustrating. All I want is to be happy. I don’t need anyone else. I just want to be happy. I haven’t been truly happy since fifth grade. I grew up suffering from severe depression. The funny thing is as soon as I got a handle on the depression, I started dealing with the emotional pain of this break up. I do prefer to understand why I’m hurting so much. It was very disheartening to be in so much pain for no reason. I can’t say that I didn’t consider suicide at the same time. Luckily, that’s gotten better.

I know exactly where the pain in my heart is coming from right now. I think the largest part is the betrayal of trust. I trusted P more than any person in the entire world. He raped me. And many more horrible things that I may one day disclose in this blog. It took my mind two months to accept the fact that it was rape, and another month for me to tell someone. I’ve told three people: D, my roommate A and my mom. At this point, I doubt I’ll ever tell anyone else. Perhaps a future partner. It’s just not worth it. People don’t understand. I don’t even think my mom believed me. I guess I can’t expect people to empathize who have never been there. But I was expecting a little more sympathy then I got. In fact, my mom and A seemed awkward about it so I quickly stopped talking about it. D was much more understanding. He knows more about what P has done to me then anyone. He felt bad for me, but at the same time I could tell he was resisting saying, “I told you so.” It would have been completely valid. He always told me if I got back together with P it would get worse. I should have listened to him. But I guess some lessons you have to learn for yourself.


14 thoughts on “There Are Broken Hearts Everywhere You Look

  1. I agree with you. I used an online blog for 11 years starting when I was 13 or 14. the website was taken down, so I had to go through and save all of my blogs (it took HOURS and HOURS). I had started this one multiple times and deleted all my posts, and I finally am sticking with it. I like getting my thoughts out since I know my friends don’t want to hear about how I feel over and over again. And I’ve been reading blogs now about dating and getting yourself back out there. I was excited to read your blog yesterday because it was so similar to how I’ve been feeling. I felt like I could have written the same blog. I suffered from depression for a few years and was happy starting shortly before the ex and I got together. They were the happiest years of my life. I dated my last ex before this one for 2 years. It did take me a year to get over him. It was when I started casually dating his best friend. We knew it wouldn’t go anywhere, but I finally moved on from the ex boyfriend. But I was MISERABLE when he and I broke up. This time around, I’m older and more mature. I’m handling it better. My thoughts aren’t occupied like they were back then and I don’t cry very often. I do remember months of laying in bed when the first real ex and I broke up and I would just cry and cry. I don’t have that feeling anymore that I’m trying not to cry. That’s gone. This breakup has been easier… but it’ll be hard to love and trust again. Frankly, I’m just tired of thinking about the ex and want him out of my mind. Anyway, I just wanted to respond because I like it when people empathise with me. I’m looking forward to reading your journey through healing though.

    • Please keep commenting :-). I like reading what you have to say about what I write. Plus, I perused your blog as well, and you’re older then me so I could probably learn from your advice. It’s nice to hear that there is someone out there who knows how I feel.

  2. I agree completely. I’ve struggled with depression on and off for the past three years and I’ve found that the best way to deal with the monsters in my head is through blogging.
    I admire your bravery with your writing, that you can talk about the after-effects of the rape show that you were strong enough, and still are strong enough, to deal with it. At some point I hope to be totally honest on my blog.
    Thankyou for sharing this, I wish you the best.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I try to be completely honest with myself. I feel like that’s the best process for healing. Also, part of the reason I’m so truthful in my blog is because I don’t show my real feelings when I’m with people in real life. You can’t hide from yourself all the time. Keep working at your writing. I’m sure you’ll get to a point of true honesty. Best of luck.

  3. it helps to express yourself anonymously i find, to get your feelings out their in a way you may not be able to normally express them.
    great writing.. cheers

  4. do our hearts ever stop loving? do we ever get over someone? well i’m not the most normal person so maybe my opinion doesn’t count, but here it is. even after falling out of love i realized that the anger and the hate were all just masks covering up that i was still in love. being with someone else just made it confusing because i loved them too. i think you can love more than one person. it doesn’t seem right, but that’s my experience.

    when we fall in love we give a piece of our heart out, we never can get back. i just hope the same happens for the other person

    • I think you’re right. I don’t think we ever stop loving someone. Our love simply morphs and changes to fit the role that person plays in our life. Thank you for commenting. You have a unique perspective.

  5. Hey, you may enjoy reading this book “Goddess to the Core” by Sierra Bender (on amazon or All about empowering women from the inside. I am so sorry about your negative experiences. Although I have never been raped, I was anorexic, and the way I wrote about it was this: “my clothes have not been ripped off me but my body has been.” Now I am in the production stages of publishing a book about my story. Best of luck to you, thank you for such a heartfelt post.

    • Laura, thanks for the book recommendation. I will be sure to check it out! And good luck with the publishing of your own book. Our stories need to be told.

  6. Blogging does seem to be a way for us to mentally and emotionally unload. When I was a girl and the internet hadn’t been invented yet (yes I said that in a cranky old ladies voice) I suppose the next best thing was our diaries hidden under our mattress and only peeked at by our mother and sisters. The main point of the diary being that when you find the place where you can write honestly, you discover things about your own feelings and opinions that you never realised. Blogging has it’s advantages in the way that we can be completely anonymous if we feel the need, hence being able to be honest, and reach such a huge group of people who do not know us and cannot be hurt by anything we have said, we can get advice without hurting the ones we love, and we can shout out our fears without sacrificing our pride.
    Those words must have been hard to say… and you’re so brave for being able to talk about it with some real people in your life, some people don’t have as much courage, but could be strengthened by you sharing your experience… Thankyou for sharing. 🙂

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