Just A Dream


The night with D was perfect. It couldn’t have been any better. It was as if he read my mind about my fears. We had been talking for a couple hours, and he started kissing me. Then he pulled away, looked me in the eye and said “You’re still beautiful.” I practically died inside. Mostly, because I couldn’t remember the last time someone had called me beautiful. The night didn’t get any less intimate after that. It was everything I needed to feel….and everything I didn’t. Now it feels like a dream. I don’t know when I will see him again. I don’t know how he feels about me. Our relationship is ridiculously complicated. Even if he did have strong feelings for me, I’m not sure if he would ask me to be his girlfriend. Here are the complicating factors:

  1. We live 3 hours apart
  2. We are in different stages of life. I have a year left of undergrad and am planning to go to graduate school. He has 2-3 years left of graduate school.
  3. There’s a 7 year age difference.
  4. He’s probably worried I’m going to go back to P if he tries to get me back.

#4 if it was true would be a valid, but unfounded fear for D. I’m not going to go back to P ever. I haven’t even spoken to him in over three months. However, the other 3 are completely concrete. This is why I fear that I’ll be left on an afterburner. We have great chemistry. We can talk for hours. I know I have feelings for him. But a very large part of me wants to withdraw from this. I don’t know if I can survive being hurt again right now. I’ve barely begun to get over P. Seeing D was completely worth it, don’t get me wrong. But I was in a world of pain once I had to leave. The whole experience brought back a lot of old emotions that were painful. I think the hurt was worth it, when I think about how good I felt while I was there. I really just wasn’t expecting him to be so intimate. It scares me. Especially since I don’t even know when I’m going to see him again. These types of situations frustrate me. I can spend hours mulling it over and still come to no conclusions. Normally, I rely on my brain and logic to help me understand anything. But not this. I’ve decided to just go with the flow. I’ll wait for him to make the next move, see if he makes an effort to see me again. After that, I have no idea. I don’t know what I want right now, except not to be hurt again. I fear I may have to cut D out of my life to protect myself from that. But I don’t want to make that decision too prematurely. The ball is in D’s court, that’s for sure. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

 

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