All I Want For Christmas…


Merry Christmas to everyone out there in cyberspace!

I had a good Christmas. I’m fortunate enough to come from a middle class family that works hard. I got all the gifts I asked for. It was a good day spending time with my immediate family. However, it left me time to reflect on what’s really important in life, what I hope to find one day and unfortunately I couldn’t help but feel a little blue for what is missing right now. There’s definitely a very large empty space in my heart, left there by my ex who will be referred to as P in this blog. I don’t like to wallow in misery or pain. It’s not my style. I’m the one pushing through, who’s always okay. You could never guess how much it hurts just from looking at my face. I suppose it’s my way of coping. I’m hoping to ignore the pain long enough that it will just go away.

What I wish I had most this Christmas was someone to love and someone who loves me. I know my family does, but it just isn’t the same. It’s the first one out of the past five that I haven’t been with P. That’s a lot of Christmases. It’s very strange, because I’m used to being very busy trying to coordinate seeing his family and mine equally. This year I didn’t have anywhere to go today. And while I enjoy being home relaxing, the act of doing nothing all day has left me feeling more empty then normal. I find activity helps keep these feelings at bay. I can’t be sad if I’m too busy to think about it.

I’m not completely alone. There is a man in my life, we can call him D. But he’s confusing to say the very least. P and I broke up once before, a year and a half ago. During that time period, I “saw” D. We were never anything official. I question what we were all them time. I’m not entirely sure of what his feelings for me were. I’m sure he would say the same about me. But we both resisted falling for each other, because he was going to be leaving to go to graduate school in Baltimore.  I ended up getting back together with P. D was angry with me for that and we stopped talking. He had every right to be angry about that. I was an idiot to go back to P. But some lessons you just have to learn for yourself.

Anyways, D and I started talking again about two months ago. He lives in Baltimore and I live in State College so we haven’t seen each other. We IM a lot. Now we’re both home for the holidays. He lives about an hour away from me when we’re both at home. And yesterday he asked me to come spend the night Monday and hang out with him Tuesday (I’m sure we will be doing more than just “hanging out”). I was apprehensive about agreeing at first, just because I haven’t seen him in so long. But eventually I agreed.

I wonder what will come of this. I have very low expectations. We do live very far apart when we’re both at school. Not to mention there is a significant age difference. But I think life has taught me to have low expectations of people. My friends have asked me if I would date him if he wanted something more. I honestly don’t know the answer. At this point in my life, a relationship scares me. Mostly because my last one was such an utter failure. I also fear trusting anybody with anything. In my experience, trusting people is how you get hurt. I know this is a very cynical view on life. I’m hoping with time and healing, I’ll change my mind.

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