Okay so it seems like everyone is writing either a reflection of 2011, resolutions for 2012 or something in between that. I promise that this will not be either of those. I’ve been reading so many posts about how people are going to commit to changing and do this and that differently next year and blah blah blah… It’s not that I don’t appreciate the effort to change. That’s fantastic. Change your life. I’m doing it. But I don’t think you should need the start of a “new year” to make those decisions. Make them on an average day, a random Wednesday for example. That’s when you know it’ll stick. It’s almost a fad in a way. “Okay it’s a new year I suppose I should make some resolutions like everyone else and commit to them for a few weeks before going back to my old self.”
I’m sorry for being so cynical. I’m not against new years resolutions. I’m just against the millions of people that make them and don’t stick to them. I’m also against the people that can only think about changing the negative aspects of their life one day of the year. I do have a resolution though. Get into med school. It’s short and sweet, not very simple though. But I promise you I will dedicate the next year to this resolution. I think that’s what most people don’t think about when they make them. They’re only seeing into the month of January. Not all of the months that come after.
This will probably be my last post before the new year. I hope everybody out there has a fun, happy, safe night. To my readers, subscribers and commenters I’d just like to say thank you. You all help me and support me more than you can ever know. Because of you I know that even when I’m feeling most alone, I’ll always have this blog to come back to. Happy New Year everybody!
It seems to be a two post kind of night. I’ve been perusing WordPress. I enjoy blogging, but I also enjoy reading other peoples’ blogs. One thing I’ve realized is that there are a whole lot of broken hearted writers are on here. It seems to be a very common coping mechanism. I read these posts, and I do yearn to help these people feel better. To let them know that they aren’t alone. I feel the same way. I’m doing the same thing.
I realized that I haven’t written much about P. My musings have been mostly centered around D so far. P is hard to think about, let alone write about. We haven’t spoken in three months, but he’s still on my mind all the time. I’m so angry and very hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I’m ever going to heal, if I’ll ever stop hurting. I feel like that’s not going to happen until I fall in love again. They say it takes you half the amount of time you were with someone to get over them. Does that mean I have two years to wait? That feels much too long to me. But at the same time it hasn’t gotten much better in three months. I don’t cry anymore. I honestly don’t think I’m capable of shedding more than a few tears over anything anymore. My heart just aches. It literally hurts. I get a giant lump in my throat like I’m going to cry, but I don’t. I just lay in bed at night in this state.
My life has been frustrating. All I want is to be happy. I don’t need anyone else. I just want to be happy. I haven’t been truly happy since fifth grade. I grew up suffering from severe depression. The funny thing is as soon as I got a handle on the depression, I started dealing with the emotional pain of this break up. I do prefer to understand why I’m hurting so much. It was very disheartening to be in so much pain for no reason. I can’t say that I didn’t consider suicide at the same time. Luckily, that’s gotten better.
I know exactly where the pain in my heart is coming from right now. I think the largest part is the betrayal of trust. I trusted P more than any person in the entire world. He raped me. And many more horrible things that I may one day disclose in this blog. It took my mind two months to accept the fact that it was rape, and another month for me to tell someone. I’ve told three people: D, my roommate A and my mom. At this point, I doubt I’ll ever tell anyone else. Perhaps a future partner. It’s just not worth it. People don’t understand. I don’t even think my mom believed me. I guess I can’t expect people to empathize who have never been there. But I was expecting a little more sympathy then I got. In fact, my mom and A seemed awkward about it so I quickly stopped talking about it. D was much more understanding. He knows more about what P has done to me then anyone. He felt bad for me, but at the same time I could tell he was resisting saying, “I told you so.” It would have been completely valid. He always told me if I got back together with P it would get worse. I should have listened to him. But I guess some lessons you have to learn for yourself.
No word from D in 3 days. He hasn’t been online where we usually IM. He hasn’t texted me. I know he went back to school on Thursday, back to his ex-girlfriend who he still sees. That’s probably why I haven’t heard from him. That hurts though. It’s like he’s withdrawing from the great night we had together. He’ll be back though. This isn’t over. I have no doubt about that. But how long do I have to wait? How long should I let him string me along? I don’t want to add more pain to the enormous heap of hurt I’m already trying to deal with. All I want is some transparency. Our relationship is mysterious, a grey area. There is no black and white anywhere. I just want to know how he feels about me. Though I fear asking the question, because I fear the answer. Not to mention there’s a large chance he would still conceal his feelings even if I asked. So what can I do, but sit here and wait? It certainly is frustrating. My take charge, get it done, solve the problem personality revolts against sitting idol and waiting for something to happen.
I certainly have been very idol. I think that’s why my brain’s getting so wrapped up in all this. I’m on Winter Break from school right now, so I have no classwork to worry about. Not to mention, I’ve been feeling ill lately so I haven’t been able to work out or run like I normally do. If you are ever stressed about anything, I highly recommend exercise. It releases endorphins that make you feel happy. Not to mention if you work your body to physical exhaustion, you won’t be able to worry about anything else. It’s been one of my best coping methods. Physical pain is definitely preferable to emotional pain in my opinion. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t exercise to the point of injury. But when I work out, I go hard and it’s very effective. I need to start feeling better so I can do it again. I have a feeling I’ll be much more relaxed about everything that’s going on with D.
Today I’ll be diverging from my normal talk of men, because right now I have other stresses on my mind. Med school is cut throat. As I get closer and closer to the date where I need to apply (this summer), I find myself feeling more and more stressed out about it. Right now, I’m applying for biomedical research internships. I have a lot of research experience. I’ve even been published. But at the moment my GPA is not the greatest. Besides me, it suffered the most from my relationship with P. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not poor by normal standards. I have a 3.44 and I got a 3.65 last semester. But med school is like the NFL of academia. You have to be perfection. I fear that my experience won’t be enough to get me these internships because my GPA reflects poorly on me. And if I don’t have an internship this summer, my application for med school will look even poorer. There’s no way to explain on an application that the reason my grades dropped was because I was depressed and in an abusive relationship. That’s not even an excuse anyways. It was certainly a contributing factor though.
This semester I’m determined to do even better. I have to put 100% of my focus on getting into med school. I’ll be getting certified as an EMT, studying hard for the MCAT and competing on the synchronized swimming team. There’s going to be a lot less fun, but hopefully it will all pay off in the end. I really want this. The more I think about it the more I want it. It’s up to me now to get it.
The night with D was perfect. It couldn’t have been any better. It was as if he read my mind about my fears. We had been talking for a couple hours, and he started kissing me. Then he pulled away, looked me in the eye and said “You’re still beautiful.” I practically died inside. Mostly, because I couldn’t remember the last time someone had called me beautiful. The night didn’t get any less intimate after that. It was everything I needed to feel….and everything I didn’t. Now it feels like a dream. I don’t know when I will see him again. I don’t know how he feels about me. Our relationship is ridiculously complicated. Even if he did have strong feelings for me, I’m not sure if he would ask me to be his girlfriend. Here are the complicating factors:
We live 3 hours apart
We are in different stages of life. I have a year left of undergrad and am planning to go to graduate school. He has 2-3 years left of graduate school.
There’s a 7 year age difference.
He’s probably worried I’m going to go back to P if he tries to get me back.
#4 if it was true would be a valid, but unfounded fear for D. I’m not going to go back to P ever. I haven’t even spoken to him in over three months. However, the other 3 are completely concrete. This is why I fear that I’ll be left on an afterburner. We have great chemistry. We can talk for hours. I know I have feelings for him. But a very large part of me wants to withdraw from this. I don’t know if I can survive being hurt again right now. I’ve barely begun to get over P. Seeing D was completely worth it, don’t get me wrong. But I was in a world of pain once I had to leave. The whole experience brought back a lot of old emotions that were painful. I think the hurt was worth it, when I think about how good I felt while I was there. I really just wasn’t expecting him to be so intimate. It scares me. Especially since I don’t even know when I’m going to see him again. These types of situations frustrate me. I can spend hours mulling it over and still come to no conclusions. Normally, I rely on my brain and logic to help me understand anything. But not this. I’ve decided to just go with the flow. I’ll wait for him to make the next move, see if he makes an effort to see me again. After that, I have no idea. I don’t know what I want right now, except not to be hurt again. I fear I may have to cut D out of my life to protect myself from that. But I don’t want to make that decision too prematurely. The ball is in D’s court, that’s for sure. I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.
I’m seeing D in a few hours, and I am SO nervous. Normally, I’m a pretty confident person, but for some reason all day I’ve felt like I’m going to throw up. It’s not like I never envisioned this happening. I’ve been thinking about it for months. I guess I just never really expected for my fantasies to become real. Now it’s time and I can barely contain my apprehension. The nerves are mostly due to insecurity. This probably sounds silly, but I’m afraid he won’t think I’m attractive anymore. I really haven’t changed at all in the past year which makes the fear even more ridiculous and unfounded. I feel stupid even writing about this. But I can’t help it, so I have to be honest with myself and try to figure out why I feel this way. I suppose the insecurity stems from P telling me he doesn’t love me anymore and then leaving. I guess that’s made me feel a little “not good enough”. There’s really no way D is going to tell me I’m ugly and turn me away. My mind’s gotten the best of me with this one. I feel a bit calmer just mulling this over in a blog post. Well, hopefully everything goes okay. I’ll be sure to write about it tomorrow!
Merry Christmas to everyone out there in cyberspace!
I had a good Christmas. I’m fortunate enough to come from a middle class family that works hard. I got all the gifts I asked for. It was a good day spending time with my immediate family. However, it left me time to reflect on what’s really important in life, what I hope to find one day and unfortunately I couldn’t help but feel a little blue for what is missing right now. There’s definitely a very large empty space in my heart, left there by my ex who will be referred to as P in this blog. I don’t like to wallow in misery or pain. It’s not my style. I’m the one pushing through, who’s always okay. You could never guess how much it hurts just from looking at my face. I suppose it’s my way of coping. I’m hoping to ignore the pain long enough that it will just go away.
What I wish I had most this Christmas was someone to love and someone who loves me. I know my family does, but it just isn’t the same. It’s the first one out of the past five that I haven’t been with P. That’s a lot of Christmases. It’s very strange, because I’m used to being very busy trying to coordinate seeing his family and mine equally. This year I didn’t have anywhere to go today. And while I enjoy being home relaxing, the act of doing nothing all day has left me feeling more empty then normal. I find activity helps keep these feelings at bay. I can’t be sad if I’m too busy to think about it.
I’m not completely alone. There is a man in my life, we can call him D. But he’s confusing to say the very least. P and I broke up once before, a year and a half ago. During that time period, I “saw” D. We were never anything official. I question what we were all them time. I’m not entirely sure of what his feelings for me were. I’m sure he would say the same about me. But we both resisted falling for each other, because he was going to be leaving to go to graduate school in Baltimore. I ended up getting back together with P. D was angry with me for that and we stopped talking. He had every right to be angry about that. I was an idiot to go back to P. But some lessons you just have to learn for yourself.
Anyways, D and I started talking again about two months ago. He lives in Baltimore and I live in State College so we haven’t seen each other. We IM a lot. Now we’re both home for the holidays. He lives about an hour away from me when we’re both at home. And yesterday he asked me to come spend the night Monday and hang out with him Tuesday (I’m sure we will be doing more than just “hanging out”). I was apprehensive about agreeing at first, just because I haven’t seen him in so long. But eventually I agreed.
I wonder what will come of this. I have very low expectations. We do live very far apart when we’re both at school. Not to mention there is a significant age difference. But I think life has taught me to have low expectations of people. My friends have asked me if I would date him if he wanted something more. I honestly don’t know the answer. At this point in my life, a relationship scares me. Mostly because my last one was such an utter failure. I also fear trusting anybody with anything. In my experience, trusting people is how you get hurt. I know this is a very cynical view on life. I’m hoping with time and healing, I’ll change my mind.